Loving us isn't easy. It might be one of the hardest things you ever do. Watching someone you care about struggle every day to live, and hurt themselves, it feels like hell and sometimes you just don't know what to do. I've been on both sides of this dynamic, so I know the mess of emotions that comes with this. There's some things you need to know.
Don't try and fight our battles for us.
We don't want you to try and fix our problems. Sometimes there isn't even a fix for them. If we have opened up to you, we just want you there. It means the world to us that you are there, listening. This battle is a war in our own minds that we fight every day. We aren't asking you to take charge and lead the way, we just want you to be there for us. To be our shoulder to cry on. A rock in our storm. Everyday there's little whispers we hear telling us "you're not worth it, no one likes you, you're alone." We just need you to be there. Even if we know we're not alone, some days we just don't believe it. Just be prepared to be there for us.
We can say some pretty intense things.
We're not trying to scare you, but with someone who has depression, or self harms, our minds can be a dark and scary place. Sometimes we will say things that are just terrible, and we don't mean to freak you out. It's just, those thoughts are commonplace for us. Please don't be scared, but be prepared to hear horrible things from us.
You're in for some late nights.
Breakdowns happen. And we need someone who can be there for us. So, if you're not ready or willing to spend some long days and nights up with someone who's world is falling down around them, please don't pretend like you are. I know that the things we say and do can be scary and overwhelming, and you may feel like you're useless, but just knowing that there's someone there on the other side of that phone, or sitting with there in person, can help us survive. The worst feeling in the world when you're going through these kinds of things is feeling like you've burdened someone with these problems. For example, if someone you care about is telling you they're having a rough night, and was hurting themselves, don't just cop-out and leave because you're scared. Or you think that "oh, nothing I say will help." If you just abandon us, of course we'll tell you okay, but then not only do we struggle with whatever havoc life is wrecking on us, but the fact we feel like we inconvenienced you or burdened you. Know what you're getting yourself into here, be prepared to sacrifice some time.
I asked some friends of mine what they would say:
"Tell the person that they aren't crazy and that you aren't going to leave their side, Afterwards, they'll need space. But during the breakdown, they shouldn't be alone." - D
"If you don't care, don't say you do. Let them find someone who does." - S
"Even the smallest of words and gestures help" - J
"I believe the most important thing you can tell someone is I believe in you. Show them how much you care, how much they are worth it. If they reach out to you, just be there for them." - P
"If you're getting frustrated, find someone who can help them better than you." - D
I understand that this is a lot to ask of someone, but like I said, loving someone who fights a war only in their head isn't easy. I know I feel terrible, asking so much sometimes, but I promise we're here for you in return.
I want to thank you, the ones who have loved ones that struggle. For being there for us. For staying up into ungodly hours of the night while we have our breakdowns and then the crash, and still staying by our side as you see what we go through, what we do to ourselves. Thank you for loving us when we make it hard.
