Dear Friend,
It pains me to think of you at your darkest hour, thinking there was no other way. It breaks my heart to know that you didn’t think you were good enough. It crushes me to think that you were more sad and lonely, than you were happy and content. Honestly, I’m not sure how to feel.
Part of me wants to blame you for thinking suicide was the best answer to cure your pain, but then part of me wants to blame God. Why did he take such a young beautiful, soul away from us? Well, you see, God works in mysterious ways. God didn’t make that person suffer from a mental illness, then commit suicide. God created us, so we could potentially get sick. We are living in a “life lottery,” where we really don’t know when or how we will die. We live in a world where sometimes bad things just happen.
I keep seeing that smile, the smile that could light up a whole room. My friend, I wish I knew how you were actually feeling. You acted so normal, so happy and content. When actually you were slowly dying inside. Behind your smile, there was actually a story that we wouldn’t understand. I wish there was another option. I wish you didn’t feel like death was your only escape. I miss you.
What people don’t understand is not all people with depression have scars on their wrists, eating disorders, or the look of a dark cloud over someone's head. Sometimes the people who look the happiest, are the ones who are hiding the most pain inside.
You were the one that assured other people how beautiful, lovely, wonderful and precious they were. But it was hard for you to see those things in yourself. I so badly wish you felt those things. I wish you knew you weren’t alone and that YOU are enough.
As I’ve learned, God has a plan for us all. God saw how tired you were from trying to fight off this pain and I know he wrapped his arms around you and told you to come with Him. Yes, He left us grieving and in pain, but He also left us with a chance to show the truth of suicide. I used to think about how selfish suicide was, to think that someone is willing to put his or her family, friends, and community in pain. But what I didn’t think about, is the actual person. Suicide is a desperate act by someone who is in intense pain and just wants his or her pain to end. What we don’t think about is that suicide is sometimes a human response to extreme pain. Most of the people that commit suicide usually have a mental illness. At the time of their death, most of the time they aren’t thinking clearly because of the mental illness that is trying to take over.
To every person out there, you are beautiful. Don’t change for anyone. Don’t think about leaving this world. Seek help because it will get better. Who am I but a random girl to tell you this? I care. I’ve felt all that before. Trust me, life is worth every second.
National Suicide Prevention
Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
