To The Person Who Saved Me,
They (love experts, that is) say that if you’re lucky enough, one day someone will come into your life and change you forever. They will walk in the door when you least expect it and change you in ways that you never felt possible. For some, it’s a boyfriend or girlfriend. For others, it’s a role model. To me, you were just a friend. A friend I never expected nor asked for, but someone I could lean on. Someone I knew would change me forever, and someone I knew I never wanted to lose.
I still remember the first time that I hung out with you. Talking to you was like uncovering a whole new idea of how things actually worked and, for once, my hardheadedness was put at ease and, for once in my life, I was left speechless. My lack of filter didn’t bother you and you weren’t afraid to ever put me in my place. However, it wasn’t the things you said but how you said them, and not even how you said them, but how you looked at me as you said them. When it was my turn to talk, because you enjoyed hearing what I had to say, you were able to look past my tough-girl façade and see the girl I really was. The girl who I didn’t want to be. You saw me for who I could be, who you knew I could be, and I never understood how.
Our friendship grew quickly. You were always there when I needed you and the conversations we had not only reciprocated our first encounter but had become deeper and more meaningful. I let you in past my walls because I trusted you. I didn’t ask you to take care of me. I didn’t ask you to worry about me and I never expected you to stay, but you did. What the love experts don’t tell you about love is that it has a way of literally making you feel like no one will never care once you’ve been let down once. I remember yelling at you and pushing you away but you didn’t fall for it. I remember telling you all the time that befriending me was a stupid idea and you would just laugh and say “No way”. Every time I tried to rebuild my wall brick by brick you came in with a sledgehammer and four sticks of dynamite and knocked it all down.
I think most guys think girls want to be saved. It’s not really true. The whole illusion of a prince on a white horse saving you seems so erotic and mind consuming that we as females grow up waiting for Prince Charming. Only, in reality, we don’t. We take care of ourselves. When you let someone else take care of you, you’re letting someone in. You’re letting someone get close to you and then, before you know it, you’re consumed.
The thing is, with you, I wanted to be saved. Or, at least, I thought I did in the beginning. I let down my guard. You listened to me cry about stupid boys, my family, and how I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. You’d listen to my pointless girl drama and say nothing; just shake your head and smile. I would lay on the couch for hours, annoying you with questions and listening to you tell me stories and find myself laughing harder than I had in months. Watching your eyes light up when you talked about certain things, like your friends, your family, and your wild parties was something that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget.
When you told me you loved me, you broke my heart in half. Every girl wants to be loved and to be loved by their prince, but with you it was different. I knew you deserved better, your own Princess, and I wasn’t her. I was messy, loud, rude, and vivacious. I would laugh and cry within the same hour and blame everything on you. I knew I loved you, too, but saying it out loud meant that I was letting you save me. What I didn’t know was that just by you muttering those three little words, I was already saved. You saved me from my thoughts of doubt and discomfort. You made me realize that even though I am the definition of “hot mess” that I was capable of being in love again.
Once I left the last night, you made it clear that there would be no more visits, there would be no more talks, that you were done trying to be Prince Charming. I didn’t care. I didn’t care because I knew it would be easier. Now, months later, I can see my mistakes. Ever since you, I’ve been kissing frogs hoping they turn into Prince Charming, but they won’t. We only get one chance at a happily ever after. We only get one chance to be swept off our feet and saved. I’ll always wonder if you were my chance.
If I still know you at all, you know this is about you. You’re probably shocked and probably even a little angry. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being everything you ever said you’d be and thank you for saving me. I’m sorry I wasn’t ready for a happily ever after. I’m sorry I couldn’t be your Snow White.
