To Someone who loves someone whose parents are no longer together,
First of all, let's get one thing straight- you need to know that, one, no, we're not going to be chronically bad at relationships, two, we're not going to fight with you all the time, and three, we're not going to be completely overbearing. But you also have to have a complete understanding that we have seen the epitome of what we do not want our relationships to look like; we know what we don't want a marriage to turn into, and we are fully aware of what it feels like to feel an extensive amount of pain. But do please keep in mind that there is so much of us to love. That includes all of the time we spend being difficult, insecure, and even on edge. We're able to form and keep strong relationships despite the absence of an example in our own homes, and we are stronger people because of what we've experienced. We are independent because of the way we grew up- spending every other weekend at dad or mom's house and just because of the hardships we've faced- they do not make us bitter, or permanently damaged. We're better because of what we have seen and experienced. We're not hard to love just because we're tentative to trust, fall in love, and get close to people. We're just human, and we're just trying to figure it out. As you start to love someone who is a child of divorce, recognize their strengths and weaknesses, understand them to the best of your ability, and embrace them; allow them to have their flaws because after all, we all have them.
Being a child of divorce does not mean that each and every relationship this person has, will be toxic. In fact, children of divorce have seen fighting, crying, and huge disagreements over little irrelevant things. These are people who now know how to communicate more efficiently. In fact, we do it so much more effectively after watching two parents who- towards the end of their marriage, barely could do it themselves. We're the kind of people who know what it's like to watch our parents in pain, and we are people who could not, and would not ever wish that kind of pain on anyone else because of it. Just because we grew up in a broken home, does not mean that our parents' divorce wasn't a good thing for both our mom and dad. We understand why they aren't together, and we've learned from their mistakes, or at least we are trying our hardest to.
While loving anyone takes time, devotion, effort, and care, it is definitely a task one has to be cut out for to love someone who has been through as much as someone who has watched their family go through a divorce. Having parents who are no longer together forces a child to grow up one step ahead of everyone else. By no means did having my parents get divorced rob me of my childhood, but it definitely made me grow up a little faster. I don't have many complaints about the fact that I needed to grow up at an expedited rate, but instead, I'm thankful for it. My parents have raised a strong, independent, self-reliant young woman, and they would have without being divorced, but going through what I have, has made me who I am today. That is something and I am someone that I would never choose to change despite the hardships that have come my way.
Having parents that are not living in the same homes throws so many emotions onto the heart of a little kid. Don't get me wrong, a divorce is a hit suffered by all no matter what the age, but for kids, the pain is far worse. As I was growing up, it was quite the pill to swallow seeing my parents unhappy in our current situation, so at a young age, I learned what it meant to do what I needed to do to become happy, no matter what the circumstance is or was. I learned selflessness when I consoled my parents on their bad days, and I learned to what it means to be an optimist when they were having their good days. I learned that my heart beats for the people I have in my life when I saw my mom in a wedding dress on her wedding day, marrying someone who would soon become my step father. It was then when I realized that despite the sadness I had felt and the confusion as I figured things out, that in these small moments, seeing my family so incredibly happy, content, and moving onto what would be the best days for the rest of their lives, that was ultimately my moment of clarity. I knew, at seven years old, what love meant. So please, when you stop and reconsider whether you can handle all of the baggage that your partner has in their past, that it is nothing wrong with them, their experiences have molded them, and shaped their opinions differently. Divorce affects all who are involved, and just because they've been touched by something so deep, so sad, and something so traumatic; it does not make them incapable of falling in love, trusting, and creating something amazing, that is completely unalike their parent's story.
I ask you to just take the time to listen to their stories. More times than not, you'll soon understand why your partner thinks, acts, and speaks the way they do. Believe me, this heart to heart may just so happen to be the last few puzzles pieces that allow you to get that much closer to them. It's important to listen to them. You never know what you could find out, and how it could better the relationship between the two of you. There will always be a story behind why someone does what they do, and why they do it the way they do it. All it takes is allowing them to feel comfortable enough to become completely, undeniably, and wholeheartedly vulnerable for a little while.
We're not weak for feeling broken hearted over such a devastating change in our lives. Actually, we are strong for getting through it, allowing ourselves to love deeply, and for giving our trust despite how difficult it is for us to learn that not all relationships will end as our parent's did.
Love,
Someone Whose Parents Are No Longer Together
