An Open Letter to the Person I Left

I didn't know when I would find the courage to write this, or if I ever would, but I decided this was something I needed to do for the both of us. I want you to know, first off, that I still love you. You will always have a place in my heart, no matter how much you hurt me. You see, I didn't want to leave. I wanted to fight for us. I tried. I really did. Thousands of prayers and stupid decisions made out of nothing but pure love for you and desperately grasping for anything that would make this work. So many laughs but so many tears and so many gut feelings that this wasn't going to work, because you can't force something on someone. No matter how much I cared, no matter how hard I tried, I was going to find out sooner or later that I had to face the music. This just wasn't going to work. I could sacrifice myself for you but, at the end of the day, I was going to give and you were going to take until you had left me with nothing but frustration. I wanted to be everything for you. I wanted you to see yourself the way I did. I wanted to show you yourself the way I saw you. I guess I wanted to save you. I wanted to fix the parts of you that I knew were broken. But you see, that's where I started crossing the line. That's where, in the process of trying so hard to invest everything I had in you, I began to lose myself. I began to lose essential parts of my being, and I started sacrificing everything. I'm not blaming you for any of this, because this was my choice. But I began to lose sight of myself, and I still fought it. I made excuses for you, even when the things you were doing were wrong, even when you hurt me. I kept on with the excuses because I was in denial and let myself be used as your validator because I thought that being selfless meant I didn't get to care about or take care of myself and my own well-being. I made excuses to God to try to explain that this kind of sacrifice was one He must want me to make, at all costs. I had to be selfless, even at the cost of myself. I didn't want to hurt you. I tried so hard to live the life I knew I was supposed to and the one that you were living. I just so badly want you to know that I didn't walk away from you because I wanted to. I didn't walk away because it was better for me or because I had given up or it was just the easy way out. I would have given almost anything to stay. But you see, God told me that my work was done. It was no longer my season in your life. I had to stop trying to force something that only He could control. I had to stop losing sight of Him to get to you. I had to stop sacrificing parts of myself that have made me who I am, because my relationship with God had to come first. I couldn't live both lives, and I couldn't play God. I wasn't going to be able to do what I so desperately wanted to do. I couldn't be there for you or anyone else when I was falling away from the One who was and is still guiding me through all of this. I know you think I betrayed you. I know you think I walked out. I know you might not understand what God was asking me to do, because I'm still trying to handle it myself. But when God asks you to remove yourself or do anything at all, you must listen. I had to do it, and I'm so sorry that it hurt you. I am so sorry that you feel like I walked out, because that was the last person I wanted to be. I didn't want you to ever look at me that way. I just need you to know that I stepped out for a little air, to regroup and do some much needed work on myself, but I did not give up on us. I did not walk out. None of this is simple. None of it was as easy for me as you might think. I need you to know that I think about you and I pray for you all the time. And I never stopped fighting with you. I just had to stop fighting for you. It wasn't my choice to walk away. I would have stayed if I could. I wanted to be better for you. I wish I could've been strong enough to carry both of us, but God knew I wasn't, and He knew I needed to let go. I hope that someday you'll understand how much I cared, and how much I still do care, about you, and maybe someday you'll see why I had to walk away.

Sincerely,

The Person Who Left