I remember the good days. The days you told me you were so proud of me. You told me I was brave and could accomplish great things. You were so excited for me and what my future held. I shared my secrets and dreams with you. You told me I wasn’t just your daughter but also your best friend. And you weren’t just my mother but also my best friend.

But then, I remember the days you drank too much. Those were the same days you told me I was worthless and you hated me. The days you made me feel like I was nothing. Like I had nothing to offer this world. I remember you telling me no one would ever truly care about me and that I wasn’t the type of person people wanted to be around. I remember the night you told me if you knew I would be your daughter you wouldn’t have had one. I also remember when these days outnumbered the good days.

But I forgave you each and every time. You were broken and I tried to understand that. I made excuses for you over and over again mostly because I missed you. You were my best friend and I wanted to share my life with the person who gave me life. But we were stuck on this never ending cycle that I didn’t know how to fix it.

Ten years. That’s how long we’ve been on this cycle. And in those ten years I have realized that this isn’t okay with me anymore and it’s not up to me to fix. I don’t want to keep feeling this way. I asked you over and over again to get help. And after ten years, I’ve come to accept that you will never get yourself help. So I had a choice to make.

I hope someday you can understand why I had to let you go. I have to let you go so I can learn to love myself. I understand you won’t see me graduate college or walk down the aisle. You won’t meet my husband or your grandchildren. But this is the decision I made for myself. I will always love and miss you and I hope that someday you understand.