We all make mistakes; that doesn't make us bad people...it just makes us people. Some mistakes are worse than others, though. I, personally, don't think there is such a thing as a truly bad person. There are lots of sick people, lots of confused, scared, and desperate people, but everyone has the same drive deep, deep down -- we all just want to be happy.

Unfortunately, the road to happiness is not an easy one.

May 30, 2009 was the happiest day of my life. It was the day I married the strongest and most beautiful woman I've ever met. We were barefoot; she was in a dress my mother made, it had rained a couple hours before the ceremony, but the sun was shining when she walked down to meet me at the old stump we used as an alter. Yes, the days my sons were born came pretty damn close to being as happy of a day as that one, but there was a good deal of fear there, too. I mean, parenthood is kind of scary, right? (Not to mention that the process of giving birth is a bit more harrowing than the process of getting married). On that day in '09, though, I had nothing but hope for our future. Whatever hardships came our way, we could handle it...together.

As it turned out, the biggest problem we had to face was me. In '11, our niece drowned in the bathtub, just a couple years prior we went through my cousin overdosing, her grandmother dying, and her great-grandmother dying. But none of these things, as tragic as they were, came close to being as horrible as the mistakes I made, personally. She ended up leaving me in the fall of '14...and that was probably the best decision she has ever made.

I know, without a doubt, that our relationship was rough on her. There were good times, of course. If there had not been anything good about us, then we would not have lasted as long as we did. But looking back...the bad times look pretty one-sided. I read once that, as everyone knows, the fault for a failed relationship is never completely laid on one person -- it takes two to make a relationship work, and it takes two to end one. But the truth is that the blame is also never 50/50. Sure, she had her faults, but I'd say the "blame" for our relationship failing is probably more like 90/10, than 50/50. The hard truth is her faults were easy to deal with. They were things that most couples deal with and work through. That's just part of life. On the other hand, I honestly don't know how she put up with me for so long. I was a drunk; I was angry; I was manipulative and complicated and just plain crazy.

What's so hard to deal with now is not the fact that she left, not the thought that she is likely happier now that I am out of her life completely (that actually makes me very happy to think). It's not the regret for making her life so hard for so long (although that does hurt a f***ing lot). The hardest part of dealing with the end of our relationship, for me, is this persistent idea that the things I did make me, intrinsically, a bad person.

Even the people who know me, who know me on a deeply personal level, who were my best friends at one time, they don't speak to me anymore. There have even been a few incidences when I was starting to become pretty good friends with someone...until this person found out why she left. Then I'd lose yet another friend. I've been told I was not welcome places, not because of anything I had done recently, not because of anything wrong with my personality or my behavior, but because of one, single mistake I made almost two years ago.

There is a stigma that surrounds people like me -- people who make awful, life-changing mistakes. On the one hand, people will say that you cannot live in the past. That you have to make the best of today and just move on. On the other hand, people will treat you differently as soon as they find out what happened. I'm sure there are plenty of people who will read this and think that I am being selfish and whiny. "Normal" people think that I should just live with the consequences of my mistakes and fade into the background of life, accepting my position as part of the dregs of modern society. I am getting the message that I should just go through my life expecting no less than to be treated like a monster -- because that's what I f***ing am. How dare I try to draw attention to how hard it has been on me after what I did to her? Who do I think I am? She is the victim.

I am not arguing with that. Those people are right. She deserved better than me, and I honestly hope that she finds it. All I am saying is that I am a person, too...not a monster. I, and anyone out there who is in the same boat as me, am still a human being. Yes I hurt someone I cared deeply about. Yes I ruined my life and the lives of anyone close to me by drinking away my senses and behaving like a gorram animal. But I have done everything in my power to make things right again. I have helped people; I have tried to help her; and I have been there for her and our children in every way I possibly can; I have given my time and money to make a positive impact on the world. I have changed.

Too little, too late...I know. I know, full well, that I can do nothing to undo the hurt I inflicted on her and on our friends and family. But that won't stop me from doing the right thing now, to the best of my ability. Nobody is perfect, and yes, I am probably the farthest from perfect of anyone you will ever meet. But that doesn't mean I deserve to live the rest of my life in hiding, because I am doing my best now. Isn't that what counts? 

For what it's worth, if you have some horrible mistake in your past...I will never judge you for that. I will always do what I can to be there for anyone, including 'monsters' like me. I don't ask for, or expect, the same treatment. But maybe if we stopped finding reasons to hate, and started loving everyone -- even if they are not lovable by society's standards -- maybe there would be fewer monsters out there to begin with.