"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." The riddle every adult told us to remember as children in order for us to ignore when our classmates called us names or bullied us. And perhaps in some cases that riddle did apply, but in my case it did not.
To the children I grew up with, I would have preferred a broken bone over the words that came from your mouth because broken bones heal with time. I can try to wrap up your words with a brace or a cast in an attempt to alleviate the pain and I could depend on time to heal my wounds but time does not exist when I count on it to make your words disappear.
Sixth grade was my year, it was the year we would find our place in middle school. I was eager, talkative, and vulnerable. I don’t know where it began but at some point you decided to target me and I become the freak of the sixth grade. I went from walking eagerly down the halls to putting my head down with each stride to avoid being noticed by one of you. You made nicknames up for me which even turned into a song you made. You laughed as I walked away trying my hardest to hold my tears in. You’d stomp on pictures of me in the hallway and you even wrote my name under the section of “what bugs you” in your English biography that was published.
One of you made a Facebook status saying “like this if you want Caitlyn to kill herself”. My “friends” invited you to hangout with us without telling me and you all attacked me with words, throwing candies at me as I ran away with tears streaming down my face. I still never understand the joy you all got from making a person cry but you loved it, it motivated you to keep going. I was told by many that it was my fault, “you showing them that it bothers you makes it worse”. There are so many of you who, throughout the years, had taken an initiative to make me feel anything less than like a normal person. You looked at me like I was trash you threw away, not a human being. I eventually went from eager, talkative, and always smiling to silent, with my head down, walking in fear everywhere I went. I gave you so many chances because all I wanted as an eleven year old girl was to be accepted by you and you killed me.
Senior year of high school I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression mental disorders which my current therapist says is because of all of you. Because of all of you my mother and father almost lost their daughter, my siblings almost lost their sister, my grand-parents almost lost their granddaughter, and my niece and nephew almost did not grow up with their aunt in their life. My family pours time, patience and money into medication and therapy in order to numb the pain you have all caused me. You have no idea what you have done to me. I still flinch when someone says my name in a particular way because I think it’s you getting ready to attack. Sometimes I cannot look in the mirror because I am afraid of what will be staring back at me, how I looked was always the topic of conversation amongst all of you. I continue distance myself from groups of people because I become so nervous they might all turn against me. I have lost faith in God because every night after you all fought against me I prayed that things would get better and they never did. I push any man that tries to get close to me away because I am terrified he will end up seeing me the way you all saw me.
After blaming myself all of these years I am finally realizing that my breakdowns, anxiety attacks, and bad weeks are because of all of you. And as all of you live your lives without knowing the pain you have truly caused me I am always going to be stronger. Because of all of you I have learned to love myself even if no one else can. You do nothing to me now but motivate me to strive for success and to prove you wrong. I have learned how I deserve to be treated. The friends I have now have showed me what being loved and respected is like. They have reintroduced God into my life and they have built up my self-esteem by endlessly telling me how beautiful I really am. Because of all of you I may still be broken but I’m in the healing process and I have fallen in love with the life you once almost pushed me to end.
Yours Truly
