Dear guy I loved, but never had,
I didn't realize that I loved you until after we stopped being in each other's lives. It was a sudden life change, and for a while after, I hated you. I was weirdly heartbroken, although my feelings were never really out on the table, and we were not even together. Sometimes I wonder if you even knew how I felt about you. You knew to some extent, but not to the fullest. You were someone that I had a lot of respect for and would've given anything to be with; honestly, looking back, that's a really sad fact.
You didn't deserve me. And I definitely did not deserve all the bull that you put me through for months. There were some things you couldn't help, and I won't be angry at you forever about those things. But there were some circumstances that could've been avoided, and you clearly didn't care enough about me to lend me that favor.
We were best friends; that's something that I can say with an honest heart. You, on the other hand, I am not too sure about. To you, I could've been anything. But let you and I both recall that you called me your "best friend" many, many times. Now if someone asked you about me, I genuinely have no idea what you would even say. That scares me.
But I understand. Most of the time, I don't know what to say either. I don't like explaining the story behind it all, even to good friends. I'm not really sure why, but it just makes me feel very uncomfortable. Trying to bring up the situation actually has had the potential to ruin my day: which is a power I am no longer giving to you.
In the end, it's a sad story. I never even had you for my own. And honestly, I'm kind of glad now. Which is even sadder, in my opinion. You have pushed someone from being so completely for you to where I barely find the need to be associated with you. What was the point of you keeping me around for so long and then just pushing me to the side when it was beneficial for you? Was I really that meaningless to you?
I'm almost 20 years old, and obviously, this isn't the first time this has happened to me or to anyone I know. But the truth is, it was never to this extent. There have been sleepless nights because of you and tissue-cluttered rooms, but you no longer have that power.
In the end, I'm happy with where I am now, and I hope you are too. But just remember that I will forever be the girl you never had and will never have the honor of having.
Sincerely,
Jess
