I spent so many minutes and hours and days wondering what we had done wrong to deserve such cold treatment. Although I no longer remember what year it was, I will never forget how I felt when the Christmas cards we had signed "with love" were sent back. I could never forget asking my mom with bewilderment why they had come back to us weeks after being painstakingly signed with my very best cursive writing. I no longer remember what her response was or if she had that same bewildered look on her face as I did on mine, but I will never forget the sadness it caused over the years when we didn't know where you were and how you were doing. I even remember my little brother asking, "Mom, why do Grandma and Grandpa hate us?"

Mom would smile her sad smile and assure us that you didn't hate us. She explained that you weren't mad at us. She said you were mad at her and my dad. Maybe that was the easiest explanation she could provide without hurting our feelings. I didn't believe her.

Over time, I began to miss you less. I stopped running out to the mailbox on the hot July days preceding my birthday, and eventually I lost hope on the days following my birthday, too. For years, I ran out there with the bright possibility of a card addressed to me with a simple "happy birthday" and a signature of "Grandma and Grandpa," only to trudge back with half the energy I had been filled with moments before. The space that was once filled with sadness was filled instead with resentment. I didn't care about the money that was tucked inside of the birthday cards; I just wanted to know that you still remembered me.

Over the years, Mom reached out to you, or you reached out to her. I was too young to be part of the adult conversations. I was not too young to beg to see you when Mom went to visit. I didn't understand why she wouldn't let me see you. I think I understand now. I think it hurt her to see you, and she didn't want it to hurt me, too.

I still don't know what anyone could've possible done to deserve such distance. Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally, and grandparents are supposed to want to see their grandchildren. I don't understand what could change that.

It took me a really long time to realize that I don't need to be mad at you for not being a bigger part of my life. I'm just unbearably sad that you missed so many big moments in our lives. You should've seen me on stage for the last play of my high school career. Even if you couldn't have been there, I'm sure someone recorded the whole production. You didn't have to miss out. You could've seen me, wearing my prom dress, playing my senior clarinet solo for the last time, hardly able to breathe with my corset tied so tightly. Most of all, you could've seen me grow up. How sad is it that you may not have recognized me if you had seen me in the grocery store? How sad is it that I may not have recognized you?

But, to the grandparents who never left my side, thank you. You will never know how wonderful it was to look out into the auditorium during a concert and see you sitting there with my parents. I have never had to doubt that you love me or that you would do anything you could to help me.

When I couldn't talk to anyone else, I knew I could talk to you. I knew you wouldn't judge me for anything I said, and if you did, you didn't let it show. I have looked up to you, and some of the decisions I have made, I made because of you, and with no regrets. (The main reason I never dyed my hair at some point was because you convinced me that I have beautiful hair just the way it is.)

I look to you, and I see a lifetime full of love. I couldn't have asked for better role models. I have goals based on the relationships you have created with each other and with my entire family.

It has never mattered that you have other grandchildren; you make us all feel equally special. I know it makes you happy when I come to visit, but you probably don't realize how happy it makes me to see you, too.

I never get tired of hearing your stories, and I'm always amazed by the new things I learn. I'm fascinated by the lives you've led, and I regret that I'll never be able to hear all of the stories you have.

One of my favorite things about you is that you have always supported my decisions. If you ever disliked any of my friends or boyfriends, it never showed. If you thought I was making a bad decision when I declared a music major or when I switched to an English major, I will never know.

I could say so much more about what a positive influence you have been to me throughout my entire life, but no amount of words could ever express how much love and adoration I have for you. If I ever missed out on love from someone else, you have more than made up for it.

You are the definition of what grandparents are supposed to be, and I love you so much more than I can say.