It's been 18 years now. Eighteen years since you pulled the greatest magic trick and disappeared from my life. Eighteen years of "What could I have done to make him stay?" Eighteen years of wondering if you'll ever come back. Eighteen years of blaming myself. Eighteen years of searching for the words to say if I ever saw you again, and I've finally found them.
As a father, you're supposed to protect your child from the evils of the world. Instead, you exposed me to one that would consume me; abandonment. You abandoned me. There's a father-shaped hole in my life that can't be filled. You broke my heart at just twelve months old and I've spent 18 years trying to understand that. I'd like to think that there's a good reason you never came back, but if there's one thing I've learned it's that if you want to be a part of someones life you will make it happen. You didn't want it to happen. You didn't try. You left me in your past and never looked back. I wasn't a part of the plans for your life. I was just the road block that got in your way so you ran me over. I find myself missing you and yet I can't understand how I can miss a person I don't know.
You left behind more than just your family. You left behind the awkward silence when I can't answer what my dad does for a living because I don't know him. You left behind unanswered questions of the man who makes up half of my DNA. You left behind the pain of being unwanted. No child should ever feel that, yet you drowned me in it. I choke when addressing you as my father because a man who just leaves his daughter behind is no man to me, let alone a father. I wish I could say that I didn't care but I still find myself going above and beyond to be a daughter that you would be proud of. I try so hard so in case you ever did come back, at least then I'd have a resume that would make you want to stay.
Growing up without a dad teaches you a lot. I've learned not to let my happiness be dependent on any person but myself. I've learned that people come and go from your life and that's okay. I've sat back and watched as my friends fathers have restored my faith that there are good fathers out there, you just weren't one of them. I've fallen far from the tree and if I am ever lucky enough to have children of my own, they will never question if I love them. I will be there for them. I will be proud of them. I will blind them to the face of a broken home. I will apologize that their grandfather isn't half the man mine was and I will make up for it every chance I get.
So if this makes its way to you - if this is the only chance I ever get to talk to you - I want you to know that I forgive you. I get that there are two sides to every story, but when one side leaves everything and everyone behind, I don't care to hear it. I will never understand why you did what you did but I do understand that I have the best friends a girl could ask for, a family who loves more than they breathe, and a successful future that I've made for myself. You left me with a mom who played the role as a father better than you ever could. I always thought that I needed your love to be complete, but I've learned all I need is my own and I love myself for the both of us. It's been 18 years since you left me. Eighteen years later and I don't need you anymore. Eighteen years later and I'm okay.
