Dear You,

After 20 years, I still don't know you. I could ramble on and say all the things you missed, but you already know all the concerts, Christmases, and vacations that you missed out on. Whether you think about it or not, is a mystery. Whether you think about me...is a mystery.

Twenty whole years, and nothing. No attempt, no contact...it's funny, really. Some people resent their parent that left them, some want nothing to do with them. And for good reason. But not me, only because I never really had a reason to resent you. I mean, leaving right away could be one. Leaving the most amazing person I know is definitely a reason. Not even giving yourself a chance to try is another. But the strange thing is, I never really cared.

I don't know if was my dark humor as a child, or my mother being so honest with me, but I always made jokes about how you left.

Kids in my class:

My dad is a fireman!

My dad is a scientist!

Me:

I don't have a dad!!

I still do joke, and people don't know how to react until they see I am not phased by the reality of not knowing my father. They see, that being able to joke about never knowing, or even having any proof of who you are, simply doesn't phase me.

I try to tell myself I don't care. But 20 years later, I have to stop lying to myself. I do care. I do want to find you and figure out what you have been doing for the past two decades....

Do you have your own family?

Are you successful in your current profession?

Are you happy?

Are you alive...?

One thing I don't have to lie about is that I needed you. Because, I didn't. I didn't need a father. I don't need a father.

I was never too good at sharing as a child. And because of you, I don't have to. I'm spoiled rotten. Leaving my mother wasn't right, but she survived. She is the strongest person because of it. She is the most amazing person I know, and whether or not you had something to do with it, is irrelevant to me. She is all mine, and I don't have to share.

So I say to you, Dad...

I will find you, eventually. I don't know when, and I don't know where, but I will. It's used to be a necessity to find my father to consider myself whole, but not anymore. I have the person I need to be with, my mother. I don't need a fireman or a scientist. Father's day is another day to celebrate my mother and the other people that continue to support me and love me. I will find you. Whether I talk to you or observe is unknown. But you should know, you were never forgotten.

Sincerely,

The Daughter You Never Gave A Chance

P.S. Mom is my favorite, and always will be.