Dear Dad,

One day while we were driving, the man I'd always believed to be my father said to me: "You deserve to know the truth. I'm not your real dad." He told me your name and told me you wanted nothing to do with me. I was thirteen and I was still raw from losing my grandmother, but he felt I should know. For all the shitty and monstrous things my step-father did, the best decision he ever made was to tell me the truth about you. At first, his confession meant very little to me. I was thirteen, and I was more concerned with boys and marching band. But what he told me was always in the back of my mind. My real father was out there somewhere, and he wanted nothing to do with me.

I spent years blaming myself. I didn't know the whole story and I still don't think I know everything, but I automatically assumed it was my fault that you weren't in my life. For years I pushed myself. Despite never meeting you, I strived to make you proud. I was determined to be someone deserving of your love. I held on to the hope that someday I'd have the chance to meet you and hear you tell me that you were proud of me.

Do you remember when I first reached out to you? I'd known about you for three years and MySpace was the popular platform for social networking. I was sixteen and had just recently welcomed my daughter, your granddaughter, into the world. I reached out to you only to let you know she had been born. I wanted nothing more than to tell you that you had a granddaughter.

When your girlfriend at the time sent me a message, I was shocked. She told me that you didn't want to be in my life, and she didn't want me to start problems for you and your family. She told me that I would be a bad influence on your children and you had both agreed that you didn't want me to be around them. I tried to explain myself, but you deleted your profile and disappeared. I felt the hope I'd been holding onto disappear with you.

You missed the first twenty-four years of my life. Twenty-four years of first times and experiences. You missed me graduating from high school and community college. You missed the highs in my life, and you missed the lows: my struggles with self-harm, an eating disorder, and abuse. I thought about taking my life, and I attempted to do so several times. I just didn't think I could handle everything I was being dealt. I can't tell you the number of times I wanted to reach out to you, the number of times I wished I had you to talk to. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt. When you deleted your profile on MySpace and ceased talking to me, it hurt like hell. I had so many questions, and I was unsure if I'd ever get the chance to ask them and get answers.

Did you know about me before I messaged you? Why did you let her come between us? Did you really not want me in your life? Did you ever think of me? Ever want to meet me? Do we have anything in common?

All those questions and so many more. There were several times I wanted to be angry with you. I wanted to hate you and blame you for the way I had been feeling, but I couldn't. I blamed myself. I hated myself for not being enough for you. I continued to push myself toward perfection with the hope that I could still make you proud.

I don't want you to think that I'm angry with you, I'm not. I am also no longer angry with myself for the course of our past. It has taken a few years of changing and growing as a person, but I have begun to let go of the past. I will never forget the pain I felt, but little by little I am learning to clean my soul. I have come to peace with the fact that we have lost so much time with one another. I am living in the present, and I am living for the future. What happened in the past will be left there. We are both here now, and it's a beautiful experience.

I know it's still early. We just met last week and our relationship is just beginning to bloom, but I am confident. I'm looking forward to more intimate cookouts in your backyard and more late night chats about our lives. We have the rest of our lives to make memories with each other and our families.

I love you, Dad. Here's to the future.

Love always,

Your daughter 💜