I still remember it like it was yesterday, even though it is just a distant memory. My family was getting together at my aunt's house for Thanksgiving, as usual. Our mom was sick in the hospital and I was nine - I thought nothing of it. Our brother (four years old at the time) and I were having fun and goofing around. Then all of a sudden, we got a call. It was Mom. I was hoping she was feeling better. She was pregnant with a baby boy - my half brother - you. I didn't want her to be sick. And I didn't want you to be sick. So, when she called, I tried to be happy because I thought that would make her happy, that she would get better. But she said something I didn't think she'd say. I didn't really know what it meant. And I don't think any nine year old should hear it.
"I lost the baby."
I was little...I didn't understand. But I think some part of me did. Nathan... You weren't coming anymore. Still to this day, I don't think the true meaning of it has hit me. I wish I'd never gotten that call. But I did. Honestly, I don't remember how I was feeling in that exact moment. It was almost nine years ago, I was young, and it was Thanksgiving. I don't think it dawned on me until much later in my life that you had died.
Honestly, I wonder how this affected Dylan, your older brother. Gosh, I wish you could have met him. He's 13 now. He's a really great kid. I mean, sure, he's annoying. He's a typical teenager. He plays video games, likes cars and shoes way too much, and constantly gets on my nerves. But I love him. He's amazing and he's my best friend. I wish you could be here. Dylan would be such a wonderful role model. He would have loved to play baseball with you - goodness gracious, Dylan always asks me to play and I always say no. He would love to have a brother. And he does, but I wish you were here to be his best friend too. Especially now that I'm going off to college. He needs you.
I wish I could have been there to hold our mom's hand when she heard the news. But since I was so young, I'm pretty sure it was better that I was with the rest of my family that day. I can't imagine how she felt when she knew she'd lost you. I like to think that you were with her, holding her hand when it all happened. I wish you'd gotten to meet her too. I love our mom. She's wonderful as well. We get on each other's nerves a lot, but I wouldn't trade her for the world. She's so loving, caring, and amazing...you would love her, Nathan. And I know she loves you, whether you're here or not.
Nathan, there's so many people I wish you could meet that have changed my life for the better. All of the people I love. There's Brian (Mom's boyfriend that makes her over the moon happy), Grandma, my boyfriend George, my best friends...but the person I really wish you could meet is me.
I'm still growing up. This still doesn't quite impact me the way I think it should. It's hard to understand loss. At least, for me it is. I wonder what life would be like if you were here. Honestly, I hope it would be the same. Life is wonderful right now. I just wish you could be a part of it. You've missed some pretty big things, like prom and graduation. But maybe you didn't miss them. I like to think you're watching over all of us throughout the day. That you're guiding us through all of life's twists and turns. It makes me smile to think that you are here with us.
You'll always be a part of our family. You'll always be a part of my heart. I wish I could have been there to see you walk for the first time, to help you tie your shoes, to be the hand to hold whenever you needed one.
I wish you could be here right now, sitting next to me as I write this article.
And maybe you are. Maybe you're here with your head on my shoulder, smiling as I type the words. I wish you could read this.
Nathan, I love you. And I'll never forget you. You'll always be the brother I wish I had known.
