“Moving on isn’t something that just happens; it’s a choice. It’s an acknowledgement that things are not what they were and deciding not to let that change affect you.”

I have been a shoulder to cry on about relationships and broken hearts for many of my friends over the years, and up until a year and a half ago, I never understood why. I recall thinking, “Why would anyone ever let a boyfriend upset them so? Can’t they see what I see? Don’t they realize how much better off they would be without him?” Then one day, I fell for a boy myself. I fell so hard I never thought I was going to be able to get back up; I cared for you so much. And I never could have imagined that you would hurt me like I’d seen my friends hurt, not my boy. But, I was very wrong. After being yelled at, lied to, cheated on and utterly disrespected, I finally understood their pain. I never thought a breakup would be difficult to get over, for again, it’s simply a boy, you move on. But much to my dismay, I was wrong again.

You put everything you have into a relationship, and then have your heart broken in return. Why is that fair? How many chances did I give you? Too many. How many false promises did you make that I stupidly believed? How many times did you make me cry? Make me feel in competition with other girls? Make me feel stupid and not good enough? Again, too many. Why did someone I treated like a king put me through such torture? I am still searching for that answer.

Questions like these have caused me to have some of the worst insecurities a person can have. It just didn’t make sense; I was amazing to you. There was nothing I wouldn’t have done for you and you knew that. I always made sure you knew how much I cared, and I was always there for you. I was a perfect partner. So, if that was the case, then what was the problem?

Am I not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough? Am I too clingy? Maybe I’m overly sensitive or annoying? Should I change the way I look, the way I act? Is that the problem? Am I the problem?

After a lot of tears, anger, frustration, time and soul searching, I realize that these questions are truly unhealthy, and benefit no one.

I know now that I was amazing to you, and you were awful to me. Looking back, I realize that the entire time we were together, you treated me like I meant absolutely nothing to you. You didn’t speak to me respectfully. You were constantly hurting me, making me cry and making me feel like I was a worthless, ugly, waste of space. The terrible ending between us was not my fault; it was yours.

You were the one who never tried. You were the one who screwed up so many times, knowing I would forgive you and give you another chance. And each time you did, part of me was always waiting to hear from you. Waiting, hoping to receive that text message saying “hi” that would ultimately lead to us getting back together.

And I can finally say, after 18 long months, dozens of broken promises and lies, countless fights, tears, other girls and multiple chances, I am no longer waiting for that text message and it’s an incredible feeling.

While I still think of you often, I finally understand that I deserve better. I deserve someone who cares for me and wouldn’t dream of hurting me. I deserve someone to tell me they love me, and mean it; not tell me they love me one week and go after another girl the next. I deserve happiness, laughter, loyalty, friendship, love, affection, passion, a true partner; and I did not have that with you.

And I will never settle for anything less than what I deserve again.