You were right. The girl you knew was not good enough for you. She wasn't good enough for herself let alone some douche bag that could barely remember his own name after about 6pm.
That girl let you control her life. That girl wasn't happy until you texted back even if you replied with an argument. She always found herself apologizing for your mistakes.That girl lost sleep every night because she was up crying, wondering what she did that caused you to treat her so awful that day. That girl turned down everyone for you.
That girl was dumb because what were you worth? Not even the pack of cigarettes you smoked everyday. Hell, you didn't even buy them yourself because any money you actually made went straight to a few cases of Natural Light.
You disguised yourself as the angel I asked God to send me only long enough for me to feel safe within the grasp you had on my heart. As soon as you knew I was comfortable, the disaster you called your love took over my entire life. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus at school. I lied to my friends when I was with you. I couldn't breathe when you weren't responding to my texts. I lost myself and that was entertaining to you.You loved having control of my life. You loved that you found a way to make me love you.
I hate you for all of it, but I also want to thank you. To finally fall in love with myself, I needed to lose myself so I could take the time to remember the strong, independent girl I was before you. That girl might not have been good enough for you but I guess it's a good thing I'm not her anymore. I'm me and she wasn't.
I no longer have some distorted perception of what love is. I now know exactly what it is and to my surprise, I didn't have to receive it from some guy, I received it from myself. Because I finally picked myself up off the floor, looked in the mirror and changed my own life. Created my own happiness.
I'm in control of my own life. I now remind myself everyday that I'm beautiful and I actually mean it. I will never apologize for how someone else makes me feel again. I refuse to lose sleep over a person as if no one like them, or better, will ever come along because they will.
And I sure as hell will never choose some piece of trash drunk over my friends, family, or my own happiness.
But in the end, I hope a secondary version of yourself comes into your life as a ray of sunshine and turns into a hurricane and flips your world upside down. I hope she ruins your life so then one day, maybe you'll be able to love yourself. Maybe you'll find yourself somewhere other than the bottom of a bottle or in a line of coke.
Until then just know, you were right. The girl I was then wasn't good enough for you, but I am not her. So I hope you get that twisted thought out of your head soon. In the meantime, I'll pray that you find the happiness I did and I'll pray for the next girl who gets caught in the whirlwind of the tornado that is your life.
