To the boy who ghosted on me-
About two days after you disappeared, I started college, and someone asked me what happened to the guy I was dating over the summer, my first instinct was to cry because I had to explain the pathetic story of how I was dumped, but instead I swallowed and explained how you left me. It’s a great story really, because it shows just who the pathetic one is, and it’s not me.
It took me a long time to realized that though, because for a very long time I felt like my whole world had crashed into a million pieces, but the worst feeling was leading up to you leaving, when I helplessly texted you, when I knew what would happen and I counted down the days till it was over, it made me feel empty, and like a fool. I do give you props though, I mean if it was your plan all along then you sure did a great job of fooling me. I really did believe you, I believed everything you said, and I trusted you. I told you things that I never told anyone else and you threw it all way. I gave you everything, and somehow that meant nothing to you.
When we started dating, you had me believing that it was it, you and I were it. Maybe I was being naïve, but I couldn’t help it, I fell for you hard, and you had me believing that you felt the same way. The first time, we broke up, it felt like I had lost an organ, I tried so hard to not be hurt by you, and your disappearing act. I was though, I was devastated, and somehow I ended up forgiving you, I convinced myself it was my fault, after all I did break up with you. I understand now that isnt the case, it wasn’t my fault and I shouldn’t have forgiven you, because you did the same thing, and there was no stopping you.
I think that’s the worse feeling, is watching it happen not once but twice and not being able to do anything about it. You left me devastated, and with very deep wounds. They aren’t always present, they are sneaky, but when they are cut into, it’s the worst feeling in the world. It feels like everything is happening all over again, and it makes me insecure and scared, like a fish out of water and no one can help me. It brought out insecurities I didn’t even know I had. I started punishing people for things they didn’t do, for things they didn’t even know about. Every guy in my life was at a distance, but that still didn’t keep me from getting hurt, because the truth is I never really was put back together. I think the worst feeling is, is when it was all said and done you still had the guts to tell me you loved me. Is that what love is to you? Breaking someone down and then leaving them? I hope to god, I am never loved in that way again.
Most importantly I want you to know something, I don’t hate you as much as I want too, I don’t. I also want you to know, that yes sometimes I miss you, I miss you in the most innocent ways, like just being able to talk to you, but I’ll never act on it, because you will only let me down, and I know that I am way better off with you. I’m never going to be able to understand why you did what you did, and I’m okay with that. For months, I felt like I needed an answer, and when I got one, it felt me any more confused and hurt, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I know that not everyone is you, not everyone is going to disappear out of my life. I relized that not everyone is going to bring me down. I’ve accepted this, and as much pain as it caused me, I wouldn’t change anything, because the pain you caused me taught me valuable lessons and made me stronger. I hope that you learned something from the mess you made, and I hope that no other girl has to feel the pain that you caused me. I hope that you don’t ever put another girl through what you put me through. I wish you the very best and I hope you can confront whatever caused you to leave me the way you did. I wish you the very best.
Love,
Your Ex
