To The Boy Who Blamed Me and Made Me See My Worth,

Getting a divorce is hard. Getting a divorce from someone like you, who has moved on and doesn’t love me anymore, is a different kind of hard I can’t even begin to describe. I’ve been bruised, broken and scarred for life. I’ve been manipulated, screamed at and mentally tortured. And worst of all, I’ve been blamed. Blamed for things I never wanted to begin with. You’ve told me things such as “No one has ever made me as angry as you.” and “We wouldn’t even be having this conversation if we never had a child.” The saddest part of all of this is that our child was planned. Planned down to such detail that I remember every aspect of the night he was made. All the love and emotion we both poured into making this beautiful human being I call my son. I even remember every single moment in the four months leading up to that special moment. I remember the first day we ever spent together. I remember details so vivid I have trouble sleeping at night. The main thing that haunts me is that you made me feel special. The way you danced with me and looked at me like you'd never seen something so beautiful made me feel unbreakable. At that moment I never imagined I’d be in the place I am now with you. We said “I love you” after only three weeks of knowing each other. I look back on that and think ‘wow I am such a hopeless romantic and he was such a catch,' it makes sense. But then I think about why you said it and all I can think is “is he psychotic?” That’s just it, you are. At least, you are to me. You made promises you couldn’t keep and continue to, today. You couldn’t comprehend life as it happened, and still can’t. The main thing that breaks my heart is that your loved stopped. It stopped at the place, in my mind, where it should have truly started. The place where it starts with most couples. Marriage. We had a relationship which some have described to me as “a dream”, prior to marriage. We were inseparable, mentally and physically, almost obsessed with each other. The “love” was non-mistakable and so irreplaceable. A love I have never felt prior and often think I will never feel again. That love lasted through the creation of our baby all the way up to the moment we said, “I do.” And then it just stopped. It stopped so dead in its tracks that I didn’t feel like I understood much anymore. I would think, “Is this what marriage is supposed to feel like?... I thought we were supposed to be together romantically on our wedding night?” I felt lost instantly. I felt like this was my fault somehow. You became distant, so distant that you left me at almost six months pregnant. We tried to be together again and it didn’t work. You wouldn’t change, or at least be the person you were when I met you. That’s what baffles me is that I was the one who was left pregnant and abandoned, with so much hatred in me, I could have killed you. Yet, when you returned, on your time, I was expected to accept you back in my life because I was the pregnant one and if I wasn’t willing to try again then I was the sinner. I forgave. I forgave because that’s what I needed to do. You were the same person you were when you left only this time, you tried a LITTLE harder. A little. You put on a great front. I had to come to the realization that the person I fell in love with was dead and gone, only to return when you do this all over again with someone else. Just as you had done with me after your previous girlfriend. You planned the next part of our path in his head, down to every detail, and nothing will ever convince me this isn’t true. We stayed together for six months before I completely felt like my you hated my guts. I took care of our son all on my own every day. I never knew which version of you I was going to get when you’d come home from your 25 hour-a-week job and I had to constantly remind you to show affection towards me.

I decided I didn’t want to be with someone like that. This is why I’m the one who’s blamed. Who feels manipulated, scarred and broken. Because I didn’t choose this. I didn’t choose for my husband to not want to be with me romantically. I didn’t choose for my husband to come home from work and head straight to the back porch, or our room, to play a game on his phone. I didn’t choose for my husband to use all his free time hanging out with friends, smoking, or playing x-box. I didn’t choose for my husband to agree with me when I suggested we should separate before being able to suggest couple’s counseling. I didn’t choose for my husband to move me back to my parent’s house while he had a place lined up and ready to go. I didn’t choose for this world to be so small that everyone I run into either asks about us/the situation or run into people who frankly don’t care to hear my side of the story. Kind of similar to how I didn’t want to hear your ex’s side of the story and how you had done all of this to her. I was in love and blind. I mean who can blame me, you are like a drug.You can get anyone to fall under your trap.You are good at manipulation. You manipulate people to think this was mutual and that I’m okay with it, just as you did with his ex. That I’m okay with you having a new girlfriend. That I’m comfortable with you doing all the things you did with me two summer’s ago, with her. I didn’t choose this. I changed myself to be who I thought you wanted and needed. I put so much effort into something that wasn’t cherished the way I do. And I know now I shouldn't have done that. You have shown me that I was wrong for not being unapologetically me the whole time.

I've now come to the realization that everything I'm mad about is completely out of my control. All of the things you've done and are currently doing shouldn't affect me. So, thank you. Thank you for bruising, breaking and scarring me. Thank you for manipulating me. Thank you for moving me out of the situation I was in. It was all such a blessing in disguise and I'm seeing that now. Don't get me wrong, I still have my bad days. I still have days where I can't even get out of bed. But most days are amazing days where I am thankful for what you did. Although I don't understand why you did it and probably never will, you have shown me what I deserve. You have shown me that I am worth more than all the things you've done to me. I will get better because I deserve to. I will embrace these moments that you've given up on. I will embrace being a single mother because one day I won't be one anymore. I will cherish these moments when it is just my son and I because soon I'll have my hands full with a new husband and more children. Thank you for giving up on me. Thank you for letting me go. Thank you for giving my future husband the opportunity to love me. Thank you for allowing me to make someone else incredibly happy. Thank you for showing me my worth.

Sincerely,

The Girl You Broke Who Is Slowly But Surely Mending Her Pieces Back Together