It's taken me awhile to actually sit here and type this out. A lot of stuff has gone on the past couple years. Many ups and downs have come out way, many I wouldn't want leaving my lips. They're held tight, close to my heart, like little pearls of heaven, as my grandma would say. Pearls that glisten like tears I shed as I think about them.
Our love wasn't easy. Let me tell you, many nights, I'd rather be anywhere else then on the farthest corner of your bed or on the telephone screaming all night long. Or the times that I spent begging, pleading, and gasping for you to stay. So many times I'd wish you'd had seen the way my heart beat for you. The way I'd craved your love as if nothing else could ever make me whole. It was hard but it was worth it.
You changed me. You locked me up, made me feel alive and dead at the same time. Kissing you was like a disease that spread through my body. I couldn't stop. It was like a poison that spread, a drug I got to addicted to... But it wasn't all bad...
Heavens no.
You're love, our love, grew like wildfire. It burned with such intensity someone was bound to go up in flames, left as ashes. But never had I imagined it would be me. But as I write this I realize I'd known all along. I would be ashes.
Not long after we dove into out love I'd realized it was too intense. Fighting ended in kisses, words stung like bees, and apologizes were in the wind. Yet never had lies burned so good. Our love was passion over heated with love so extraordinary anything we touched ignited.
And this my darling is why you'll always be there...
For a first love will always remain in the heart of the beloved. One day while I sit on the couch with my husband watching football and look over, for a second I'll catch a glimpse of that smile you once gave me. One day I'll sit with my baby on my lap rocking slowly and I'll think of you. Think of how I never wanted kids but you always said we would. One day I'll be laying in bed listening to the rain and think of days past. Of all the memories. Laying in bed, laughing, falling in love. I'll turn over and find a man that isn't you. A man that doesn't yell when he's angry, who doesn't call me dumb, who grabs my hand when I'm mad, who watches me cook breakfast but does the dishes after, and who knows that when I turn over in the middle of the night I'm thinking of a boy years ago that held my heart so tight I'd thought I'd never breath again. He's the man that helped me breath again. And he knows you're there. You'll always be there darling. Always forever. And it's OK.
With love,
The girl who holds you in her heart. And who learned to breath again. Em.
