Growing up, my father had this group of friends who have been around since he was young, and they have all stuck around as my dad grew into adulthood. One of my father’s friends became pregnant and had given birth to a little boy, in February of 1998, and we met a bit after my birth in March of 1998. For his sake, I am going to exclude his name from this article.

For 18 years, we have known each other; we’ve gone to each other’s birthday parties, went to kindergarten together, and he was in most of my childhood photos. You'd think we would have known everything about each other, but somehow that wasn't the case, he was still a complete mystery to me. As we got older, he moved to New York, then later, Florida and we grew apart, only keeping in contact through my brothers who would occasionally visit him while he was in town, and through comments on irrelevant Facebook posts. He ended up moving back to my hometown and surprised me by showing up to my graduation party. This would be the first real time we’ve talked in years. The shaggy-haired, buck-toothed, goofy little boy I’ve known for years had become a stranger who had grown long, shaggy dreads and an unexpected patchy beard. He had this wide set of strong opinions, and a deep mind full of beautiful ideas, all completely opposite mine. With how stubborn I am, I would never have thought we would even be able to be friends at this point, but we clicked. I have been in and out of horribly manipulative, and mentally abusive relationships, and I was afraid to rush anything after my last relationship, which was incredibly toxic. It was clear that I had felt some sort of way about him, however, I was terrified to express this, and I still am, slightly. I personally find comfort in writing letters, and I believe that it is the best way to organize my thoughts, so here goes everything:

To the boy who was more than just a childhood friend:

To be honest, I don't even know where to begin. Maybe describing our childhood would be the ideal starting point. I don't remember much about my childhood, or even how we first met. I just remember always feeling this strange comfort around you. I have always been shy, withdrawn, and scared of the world, but with you, things were different; things were okay. I have always had horribly irrational fears, the fear of getting lost or forgotten - fears a child my age wouldn't even typically think about. I think about our earliest memories, like celebrating birthdays with each other, or sneaking out to explore the neighborhood, which was dangerous for children so small. I remember jumping ahead to a few years later, to where my family couldn't afford to have a birthday party for both my brother and I, so instead they rented out a hotel room so my brothers and I could go swimming in the hotel pool in the middle of winter. I remember my little brother invited you over, and I had this overwhelming feeling of anxiety. You intimidated me with your intelligence and your refusal to listen to what anyone had to tell you. I remember once my brother fell asleep, I told you about how he would pick on me and bully me, and you had the bright idea to pull all sorts of pranks on him to get even. We put his hand in lukewarm water, and laughed as we leaned over him in his sleep to whisper horrid things into his ear, hoping to induce nightmares. Throughout the immature jokes and childish games, I began to think about dumb, childish things. "I wonder what kissing a boy is like." "I wonder if he feels some type of way about me."

There is no denying that I have always felt some way about you. I don't know exactly what that way is, but I would like to find out. I don't understand how someone I have known for so long could be so foreign to me. As time grew and we grew apart, I continued to wonder about you. My curiousity only grew, and after you had come back to see me for the first time in years, I honestly thought I would never see you again. When you continued to keep in contact, I was baffled. Why would someone like you want to talk to a girl like me? Do you have this same since of curiousity that I did? You continued to message me everyday, and I quickly began to realize that I had been in love with you. Despite dating other people, you had still occasionally crossed my mind. I had always wondered what it would be like to be with you, and after we had jokingly discussed dating, I was taken back.

I had always thought about what dating would be like, but I didn't want a "what-if" thing. I wanted a relationship, not an experiment. You had convinced me otherwise, and I was more than willing to try.

In just a few weeks marks four months into our relationship. That is such a short amount of time, I can't even fathom it, because it honestly feels as if we have been together for years. I have never clicked with someone in this way, and, personally, I would look at someone who drops the "love-bomb" on their partner of four months as absolutely crazy, but you have taught me that love has no timeframe. You taught me that not all people are abusive and manipulative, that differences in ideas and opinions and ideas are okay, and that not all debates are arguments or fights.

You moved again a few months ago to continue your education, and are, again, out of state. This is leaving me with fear and worry, which caused me to think a lot about different things, specifically losing you. Love is a scary thing, and I am very worried, because if this ends badly, I could lose the friend of a lifetime. I do this for you. I do this because you are so very worth it to me.

Please don't let me be a "what-if."
I love you.