To the boy I fell in love with,
You became the man that women teach their children to stay away from. You became the man that I wanted so desperately to help. You became a broken winged bird who took his pain out on the weak. You transformed into something that I could not hide from, run from, or escape until the damage was done to my body and mind.
I never understand, and probably will never understand how you became so controlling, hateful, and abusive. Was it something I did? Was it because I was not good enough? I will never be able to grasp what could drive someone to harm someone that they claimed to love, someone that gave them everything.
These are the things that I wish I could tell you. I wish I could say them to your face, and help you understand the damage that you inflicted on me. Not even the physical damage; I have learned to live with those scars. The mental and emotional pain that you caused me is sometimes unbearable.
I wish I could make you feel how much I ache to forget the abuse. I wish you could see how much it affects my daily activities, and the life I am trying to live now. I wish you could see how he looks at me and realize that you lost someone beautiful. I wish the abuse did not have to happen for you to realize that you had a problem.
We spent 8 years trying to figure out a junior high love life and it ended up being the worst experience we have gone through together. I wish you knew how much I regret coming back.
Since leaving you, I have learned that I am beautiful, smart, and worth more than you ever made me feel. I learned that I do not need to cower in a corner and feel afraid of the man that is supposed to protect me. I learned that God really does have the perfect man for me, one that has never laid a hand on in me in a harmful way, one that listens to me and I can actually speak my mind without the fear of being yelled at. I have learned that God was waiting for me to accept His love, and release your toxic "love" that I clung to so dearly.
You made me feel empty, worthless, unwanted, unneeded, ugly, like I was a burden, like if I died, it would not matter.
You hurt me, beyond repair. But God cleansed me, and my family protected me, and my friends loved me, and I am healing.
I am healing, and I am growing, and I'm not locked away in a room feeling like the next move I make, will be my last.
You tried to kill me, figuratively and literally. But I'm alive, and I do not allow you to control my life anymore.
To the boy I fell in love with, the man you became, the abuse you inflicted; I release your toxic "love".
Sincerely,
The girl who is now alive.
