Hey you,
I've written this letter a million times. I wish the circumstances were different. I wish you weren't breaking down every time you hear their name. I wish you weren't feeling as numb as you do. Losing a parent is one of the hardest thing you've ever gone through (most likely). It doesn't matter what age you are nor the stage of life. If you lost your parent at a young age, you will be angry that you never had that person cheering you on through life. Depending on the age, they miss prom, graduation, college, your marriage, the birth of your children and the list will never end. If you lose a parent in the middle of your life, it's the same concept. They miss out on all the important events in your life. If you lose them later in life, you have already navigated life with them. They were there for everything and you've never been without them. Which is worse? That's not for me to decide. Just because the timing is different doesn't mean it sucks any less.
It's okay to feel like you got hit by a truck. I would love to tell you that tomorrow will be better, but it won't be better for a while if I'm being honest. I promise you that one day you'll become less angry. One day you will feel peace. One day you will begin to genuinely smile again. When that day comes, you can feel two ways. You will either be ecstatic, or you will feel guilty. You'll question why am I feeling this way when something so tragic has happened?
You can't beat yourself up about it. As cliche as it is, the more you focus on the negatives, the more depressing your life becomes. You keep digging yourself into this massive hole of depression, and it's really hard to get yourself out. However, if you get yourself in the hole, you can get out. It'll take work, but you'll be okay. After all, that's what they would want. Your life must go on. You can't just stop because someone may be counting on you. You're not the only person who has lost someone. Some say the best way to pick yourself up is helping someone else. However, you have to realize it's okay to lean on someone.
The first year is hard. Something will happen, and you will want to talk to them but you can't. One day, it will feel like it happened yesterday and one day you will think, 'Wow, it feels so much longer," The holidays are hard, especially the first round. There will be a lot of tears and a lot of comfort food. You'll create some weird traditions. For example, on my mom's birthday, we would get her favorite pizza and drink her favorite soda. Now, my mother was a woman of strange tastes so we either drank Pepsi or Big Red. Who drinks Big Red? No one...the fifth year is weird. Again, there will be days that you question how long ago it actually was.
This sucks. I won't lie. As terrible as this sounds, this will be one of the best and worst things to ever happen to you. You will develop as a person more than you can even understand. However, you lost someone who played a significant role in giving you life. Don't give up on life. It's one hell of a ride, but tomorrow is a new day, so that means another adventure.
Best of luck,
A 15-year-old gal
