Dear Open Letter Writers,
It's me again. I've just finished reading my eighth "Open Letter to the Relationship that Broke Me," and I can honestly say, I've never felt more unfulfilled. Knowing that I've probably read more of these than any of the guys who have ever broke you is unsatisfying.
The next time you sit down to write your next Odyssey article and the thought of writing an open letter to a person, an inanimate object or an emotion crosses through your mind, check this first. If you answer yes to any of the following questions, don't write the letter.
1. Is there a way for you to say this to their face?
If you're writing an open letter to your mom, grandma, best friend, roommate or anyone else you see or talk to on a daily or weekly basis, please just tell them to their face. The open letter to your mom telling her how much she has shaped your life doesn't need to be posted on Facebook for her to find. Just tell her.
2. If you can't say it to their face, can you privately mail them this letter?
If this is one of those open letters to your long distance boyfriend and you only communicate through the U.S. Postal Service, or if you no longer speak to this person but still know their address, I will personally pay the $0.49 fee for you to mail it to them instead of exposing the details of your relationship on your social media profile.
3. Is this something you'll regret in the future?
If you're not sure how to answer this question, the answer is probably yes. If you're writing to your ex about how they ripped your heart out of your chest and you're not sure if you'll ever smile again, I'm telling you now that you will regret writing that later.
4. Will the person you're writing it to know that it's about them when they see it on Facebook?
If you answered yes to this question, refer back to the second question and mail them the damn letter. If you're directing this to one of your Facebook friends, skip the middleman and just send them the letter. If you're still dying to share it with your entire timeline, just tag the person.
Ultimately, no one really knows what an open letter is. If everyone can read it, is it really a letter? Soon, every conversation you have that is deeper than what you had for lunch will become valid material for an open letter. "An Open Letter to my Best Friend," "An Open Letter to My Mom," "An Open Letter to My Cashier at Rite Aid."
I don't expect to eliminate open letters from the Internet with this passive aggressive letter, but just know that if I knew the addresses of all perpetrators of open letter writing, I would have sent them this closed letter directly.
Sincerely,
All of your Facebook friends
