To My Past, Present, And Future Self

To My Past, Present, And Future Self

To my past, present, and future self, I am extremely thankful and proud, of all that you have been, all that you are, and all that you will be.
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To my past self,

Ah, yes, I remember you: The one who smiled the brightest throughout her younger years. You were the baby and the last born, so you were the princess of the family. You still are. You were such a bright, extravagant child and so full of life.

You befriended and spoke to everyone possible. Some of your teachers saw greatness in you and knew that you were capable of anything. Other teachers saw you as disruptive and a disturbance. They didn't consider you for what you really were: Friendly. That's all you were. You enjoyed speaking to everyone. You were only a child and you were so confused. You've lived through some of the toughest times. You came, you saw, and you conquered.

You have experienced hell. Just when you thought your world was going to come crashing down, you rose from the ashes and became stronger than you ever were before. You loved and you lost. Battles were fought and people were lost. You hurt, you cried, and all for the right reasons, but for the wrong people. You overcame the hard times in life and you made it through, just like I knew you would. We all knew you would.

You always saw the good in people, no matter their intentions, and for that, you became a diamond in the rough. You were one of a kind and you always tried to be nice to everyone. You did your best to make sure no one felt alone and sad. You are and forever will be a precious gem. If you didn't make some of the decisions you made, we never would have made it to where we are today.

To my present self,

We've accomplished so much and we will continue to do so. We've learned our lessons and we are ready to fight fire with fire. We are a fire that has been ignited and can never be put out. We still see the good in everyone, but we no longer settle for second best.

We are worth so much, we are so valuable. We deserve to be treated that way and we realize this now. We have seen the error of our ways and we are constantly striving to do better. Fall down seven times, stand up eight. We are constantly stressed, constantly worrying, constantly contemplating all the "what if" scenarios in our heads, but we always shake off those bad vibes and keep climbing towards our goals.

We work our ass off in our sports, our schoolwork, and our job. We always give 110% and we never half-ass anything! We smile as bright as what we used to and we no longer let other people get underneath our skin. We ignore the negative comments and bad vibes of others, and we keep working to better ourselves. We are happy and can finally enjoy life without caring so much about what others think of us!

To my future self,

I see greatness in you. I always have. I see your future and, my goodness, it is bright. You know your dreams, you've achieved your goals, and you'll only keep going further in life. You will know how to take care of yourself, how to love yourself, and finally — FINALLY — you will have made it. You will have so much to look back on, so much to be thankful for, and you will know the true meaning of happiness. Your friends won't be friends anymore, but they will become family. You will do everything you have ever dreamed of doing. You will travel to all the places you have wanted to visit since you were young. You will find your significant other and you will grow old with him. You will have children of your own, you will love them with all of your heart, and you will tell them about all of your adventures in life. You will have fulfilled your destiny and set out to accomplish what so many people thought you couldn't do.

To my past, present, and future self, I am extremely thankful and proud of all that you have been, all that you are, and all that you will be.

Cover Image Credit: Leah Flanigan

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Everything You Will Miss If You Commit Suicide

The world needs you.
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You won't see the sunrise or have your favorite breakfast in the morning.

Instead, your family will mourn the sunrise because it means another day without you.

You will never stay up late talking to your friends or have a bonfire on a summer night.

You won't laugh until you cry again, or dance around and be silly.

You won't go on another adventure. You won't drive around under the moonlight and stars.

They'll miss you. They'll cry.

You won't fight with your siblings only to make up minutes later and laugh about it.

You won't get to interrogate your sister's fiancé when the time comes.

You won't be there to wipe away your mother's tears when she finds out that you're gone.

You won't be able to hug the ones that love you while they're waiting to wake up from the nightmare that had become their reality.

You won't be at your grandparents funeral, speaking about the good things they did in their life.

Instead, they will be at yours.

You won't find your purpose in life, the love of your life, get married or raise a family.

You won't celebrate another Christmas, Easter or birthday.

You won't turn another year older.

You will never see the places you've always dreamed of seeing.

You will not allow yourself the opportunity to get help.

This will be the last sunset you see.

You'll never see the sky change from a bright blue to purples, pinks, oranges, and yellows meshing together over the landscape again.

If the light has left your eyes and all you see is the darkness, know that it can get better. Let yourself get better.

This is what you will miss if you leave the world today.

This is who will care about you when you are gone.

You can change lives. But I hope it's not at the expense of yours.

We care. People care.

Don't let today be the end.

You don't have to live forever sad. You can be happy. It's not wrong to ask for help.

Thank you for staying. Thank you for fighting.

Suicide is a real problem that no one wants to talk about. I'm sure you're no different. But we need to talk about it. There is no difference between being suicidal and committing suicide. If someone tells you they want to kill themselves, do not think they won't do it. Do not just tell them, “Oh you'll be fine." Because when they aren't, you will wonder what you could have done to help. Sit with them however long you need to and tell them it will get better. Talk to them about their problems and tell them there is help. Be the help. Get them assistance. Remind them of all the things they will miss in life.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Cover Image Credit: Brittani Norman

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An Incurable Disease Doesn't Change The Love I Have For You

Because one day the one you love the most is fine and the next day they're not, it causes devastation you never truly recover from.

nadoty
nadoty
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Loving someone with an incurable disease is the most emotionally straining thing I have ever experienced.

My significant other and I have been together for almost six years. During the summer of 2018, we all noticed the significant changes he was going through. He had lost around fifty pounds and had a lack of appetite. We had figured something was going on, however, we didn't realize it was anything serious.

Fast forward to the Fall semester of 2018. I had visited my boyfriend and we had expressed certain concerns, such as, through the night I would try and get him to stop uncontrollably itching his legs to the point of bleeding, or that he was looking a little yellow and was exhausted all the time. After seeing his sister in November, while I was at school, she pleaded with him to go to urgent care because he did not look good. He was yellow, exhausted, and very sickly looking. We didn't realize that the urgent care visit would be the precedent of the rest of our lives.

After coming home for Thanksgiving and spending a week straight in the hospital with him, it finally set in that something was not right. Between all the vomit, getting moved for testing, the weakness, the constant calling for medications because the pain was so severe, and the almost month-long stay in the hospital, it hit me full force that something was really wrong. Words will never truly describe the emotions I was feeling, or the burden of my thoughts that I felt were too selfish to pass on anyone, so I kept them to myself.

When we finally got the diagnosis, we were surprised. PSC, otherwise known as Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis, is an incurable liver disease that affects the bile ducts which become scarred and inflamed, more likely than not lead to cirrhosis and an inevitable transplant. There was no cure, rather the only solution was a liver transplant, and even then the disease can be recurring.

I was thinking selfishly. I was torn in two. What would our future look like? Could we have children? Could we ever do the things we used to?

Loving someone with an incurable disease is a mix of emotions. There is a constant fear in the back of my mind that he is going to wake up in intense pain and have to be rushed to the hospital. There is a constant fear of every time waiting for the bi-weekly blood test results to come back, in fear that his Bilirubin spiked again or he is undergoing a flare up and needs to be hospitalized. There is a constant anxiety that one day he's going to be fine, and the next day he won't be. Even the simple things, such as laying beside one another, was a constant fear I had, due to the pain he was in every day. What if I hit him in my sleep on accident? What if I accidentally hugged a little too tightly and caused him pain?

Loving someone with an incurable disease can be a fluctuation of emotions, however, he makes it worth it.

nadoty
nadoty

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