You don't know love until you have experienced a grandfather's love.

Papaw,

It's been quite a while since I've seen that handsome face of yours. Why don’t you come visit me next time you're in town, huh? I wish I could come visit you, but that’s not how my life gets to work anymore. I bought you flowers for your birthday. They were lilies - I made sure to get you your favorite for your special day. Unfortunately, between the wildfires, rain, and car troubles I didn’t get the golden opportunity to take them to you. I haven't visited you in two months now and it stinks. I hope you came and smelt them while they were in the kitchen. You gave me my love for those beautiful messes of flowers. I just threw them out today, but you know I dried one out. I miss talking to you. I try to go see you once a month just so I can talk to you. Everyone keeps telling me that my relationship with that stone is unhealthy, but it's all I have left. I go talk to that rock because I watch the light shimmer across it and I know you're there with me. If only you could talk back it would be great, but I've noticed the times you have talked to me. Yeah..I know about the cards. At first, I thought it was just a coincidence when I would find a card for that holiday that reminded me of you, but now I know it's you. For nearly the last five years… wow, five years.. That can't be right. Has it really been that long? Anyway, for the last close to five years, a birthday or Christmas card for a granddaughter has stuck out to me. I know you do this. I just wish I had bought them after you showed them to me so I could write the year in them like you always did. Oh how I miss you, Kiddo. The day you died the sun quit shining for me. You were my sunshine. I couldn’t just let you go. Derek told me that it's been long enough - that I need to quit obsessing with your death, but how am I supposed to let my best friend of 14 years go? You weren't a goldfish. I can't just send my love away with you. My heart still physically hurts when I cry for you. My soul is not done grieving, and to be honest, I'm not sure it ever will be. You were my world. I told you everything. I trusted you with my life. I can't just send you floating away because you died. Your death wasn't the same for the rest of them. They all cried and moved on. I think of you every night and day. I sing your favorite song when I'm sad. I wear your favorite color when I miss you more than the day before. I still sleep with the pillowcase that I kept at your house. I still wear your jacket in the rain. I still smell your flannel when I need an extra boost for the day because it still smells like you. I can't let you go like they did. I don't even understand how they did it. It's crazy to see how different all of our lives actually are. You would smack all of us if I told you that I haven't been in the same room with all of your grandchildren at once since your funeral. I don't even think I've seen a few of them since your funeral. You were the glue that held the family together, and with you gone, we all fell apart and went in separate directions. You would be disappointed with us. You always talked about how important family is, and we didn't keep your wish to continue having holidays together like we did. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for a lot of things that you've had to watch. I know I have let you down in many different areas, but I'm trying to find myself again and once I do…. I promise I'll put that pride back in your heart. I hate to know that I haven't fulfilled your dreams you had for me, but I'm not giving up until I know that I gave it an honest shot for you. You were always so proud of me and I want it to stay that way. I don’t plan on ending my relationship with your rock anytime soon, and I promise I'll bring you flowers the second I get the chance. I'm not going to lie, your birthday was hard on me this year. Not taking you your lilies or talking to you broke my heart. I always look forward to visiting you, just like I did when you were alive. Your sweet spirit still comforts me when I come see you, and that’s why I won't stop. Yes, I'm sure the family beside the cemetery thinks I'm crazy, but I know I'm not. If I don’t come talk to you, who will? I can't let you be lonely up on that hill all of the time. Someone has to come tell you about the time in between since they've last visited. It hurts to know you're not actually here, but I saved you a seat at dinner. I know, Christmas was always your favorite, and from now on, I'll save you a seat every year. I just wish I had done it sooner. I hope I've made you proud, Papaw. This has been really tough on me. Every single day I miss you more than the one before. I wish we took more pictures. I should've recorded your voice so I could hear you tell me that you love me every time I need it. My biggest regret in life is that I didn't come visit you during your last three days you were alive. I will never forgive myself for that. The last time I ever saw you, you presented me with a bible and you told me, "Even when I can't be there, God will." That was my early birthday present because four days later, you left me. You left me here to just push through life one trial at a time with no help. You were the one who I always went to - you always helped me solve my problems. Now, I feel alone 98 percent of the time. I miss you. I can't even begin to express the numbness I feel when I think of that day. I remember them coming into your room saying that we had to leave so they could take you. I hadn't brought myself to go into your room until I had no other choice. So I walked over to your little, finally pain and cancer free, body and kissed your forehead and whispered, "I love you" into your ear. That moment will forever live in my heart. That was the last moment I had with you while you were still yourself. That was the only time I cried over your death. I couldn't bring myself to cry for about a month. It never felt real. I felt like I was in a fog. I should've taken time from band and visited you before it was too late. I ended up quitting after that year anyways, I only staying in that band because you wanted me to. I miss you asking me to show you our performances. You loved watching me march. I actually miss marching, but only because you gave me pride in something. I hope you're okay with the choices I've made since then, yeah, not all of them were good, but I've learned from my mistakes. With you guiding my steps, it's hard to go down the wrong path, but sometimes I slip from your hand when you're not looking. Don't let me slip up too much, I have an amazing grandfather to make proud. Watch over me every step of the way. Always be there. I love you this much! You're my favorite angel, Papaw.

Forever your girl,

Jordo