To my Mom,

I want to be able to say I forgive you for leaving. You left me at such a vulnerable time in my life. A time in which having a mother is such an integral part in developing her daughter into her future character. A time in which I couldn’t comprehend why. A time in which I needed you most. A time in which I couldn’t help but blame myself. You left me when I was seven.

I will never forgive you for being able to leave my little sister also, she was only two. As the big older sister, still trying to understand the situation myself, you left me filling in the small gaps that I could at seven just to make her feel whole. You left me to act as the strong female presence in my sister’s life, but how could I do that at seven?

I will never forgive you for leaving my Dad. I understand now in relationships not everything is meant to work out, even relationships themselves aren’t meant to work out sometimes. But I will never forgive you for leaving him stranded to take care of us. I will never forgive you for making him be the one to tell my sister and I that you were never coming back.

I still remember the day my Dad had to pick my sister and I up from daycare and tell us that you were never coming back from the month-long vacation you had claimed you needed. We all sat in the car awkwardly as we stopped and pulled into the driveway. I didn’t know why we weren’t getting out of the car yet. But the memory most burned into my mind is my Dad turning around heartbroken with tears in his eyes having to tell his daughters that their mom wasn’t coming back. This instance was the first rare memory I have of my Dad crying, did you know that?

I will never forgive you for coming back into my life a year or so later, expecting everything to be alright. Who did you think you were in that instance? I had to go without you and I expected you to return the favor by leaving me alone. I admit I wanted your love then still but you continued and still continue to disappoint me until this day.

I will never forgive you for screaming at me for deciding to call my stepmom ‘mom’. She was a blessing to arrive into my life. She showed me the love and kindness I lacked from you. She showed me how a real mom should be. She has been a part of my life longer than you. She was able to see me grow and develop into the wonderful person I am now.

I will never forgive you for showing complete hatred for my stepmom and stepsister in front of my sister and I. Don’t think I forgot the time you refused to let me speak on the phone with them. Do you remember the time you called my stepsister ‘fat’? What about the time you made me feel like complete shit for loving those two who filled the hole you left behind?

I will never forgive you for giving my now younger half-brother the life he has. You are now in the process of getting your second divorce and are fighting for custody when you are clearly not fit to be a mom. I would drop everything and everyone to be able to be the sole provider for his little 5-year-old self, but the sad thing is, I know you couldn’t say the same.

I will never forgive you for ruining the relationship I had with my grandparents. You forced them to choose to side with either you or my Dad and my sister and I. I remember fishing with my Nana and Pappy with Alaura by my side being able to giggle and watch the fish splash around. But unfortunately, I can barely sit in a room with either of them, with them trying to justify your actions or repair a bond that is so utterly broken. They no longer act normal. Every action and word spoken is fake. Because of you I question if my own grandparents really truly love me.

I will never forgive you for ruining every future relationships and current relationships I will and do have with anyone. You have predisposed me to having a lack of trust for those who enter my life. You have subconsciously had me question whether or not I am good enough for another person to want. You have managed to make me wonder who in my life will be temporary. You have also limited me in my ability to be open to all relationships and interactions because of these reasons.

But enough about what I don’t forgive you for because I could go on for too long. However, I do have a few things to thank you for.

Thank you for leaving my life. My Dad has raised me to be the most wonderful young woman I am now. He has managed to raise me better than you ever could’ve. I’m independent, tough, and show empathy (where you lack it). My younger sister is beautiful and is one of the most creative people I know. I am so proud of her just like you should be.

I want to thank you for being a narcissist. By trying to impress you my whole life, I have managed to get into an incredibly wonderful college with a huge merit scholarship, due to me academically challenging myself once again to try to impress you. I am currently in an Army ROTC program at this said school and am doing incredibly well. Others can recognize my drive, leadership, and headstrong mentality that you never did.

I want to thank you for indirectly showing me how to be independent. Because of all your failed relationships and your inability to not rely on someone for money or attention, I have been able to become a strong independent woman. I know what I want in life and I will reach the goals I have set for myself. I will be more successful that you ever will be.

But most of all I want to thank you for showing me an example of the type of mother I will never EVER be.

-Your Daughter