To my bully:

I never thought that I would find myself writing a letter to you, but here I am. The old me never would have been able to muster up the courage to face you, but the new me has found it within myself, so I thought I'd take this opportunity to get a few things off my chest.

To this day, I still don't know why you did it. Why you picked on me relentlessly throughout all of high school. Why you felt that I deserved to be stared down in the hallway, to be picked on, to be constantly laughed at. Throughout that time, I wondered what I had done to make you hate me so much. Every single day for four years I prayed that it would stop; I would have done anything, but I now know that there was that nothing I could have done.

My entire high school experience was ruined because I allowed your feelings and opinions to define me. I remember being afraid to walk into the cafeteria for lunch, or to even walk down the hallway in between classes because I never knew what you were going to do next to make me miserable. I missed out on football games, pep rallies, school dances and all sorts of activities, all because I allowed my fear of you to quite literally run my life.

I think that what I regret the most during this horrible experience is allowing your hurtful taunts, comments, and judgements to resonate so deeply with me. When you told me that I was "so f*****g ugly" and when you called me fat almost every day, I wonder if you knew that I had felt so lowly of myself that I already believed every word of it, even before those hurtful and degrading words left your mouth. Then again, I doubt you would have cared. I think the worst thing you ever said to me was that I should go kill myself. You were the first person to ever utter those words to me, but believe me, you were certainly not the last. You have no idea how much those three words affected me, especially in the years to come. Had it not been for the love and support that I continuously received from my friends and family, I may have done just that.

I forgive you. I did not forgive you for you; I did it solely for my sake; so that I could finally have peace of mind without carrying the worst time in my life around with me. I will not pretend to understand or appreciate why you treated me the way you did, or that I ever will. But I have learned that these reasons do not matter anymore in the grand scheme of things; because eventually I learned to accept what my past was, and now I refuse to let it have any place in my future. It took me a while, but in time I was able to let go of the pain you inflicted me with for years, and I've completely moved on. Therefore, you have my forgiveness. I truly hope that you have learned to treat people with the kindness and respect that I never had the chance to receive.

Thank you. I used to come home from school upset for so many days, and cried myself to sleep more nights than I would ever care to admit. But that is okay because in the end, I gained more strength than I ever could have imagined. I now realize that all the times I was so afraid to walk the halls, all the rumors you spread about me, all the times you made me feel so worthless - it all made me tough. I grew thicker skin, and I learned that not everyone you come across in life will have your best intentions at heart. So, thank you for the many lessons learned. Thank you for giving me strength. Thank you for making me a fighter.

When I started college at Saint Thomas Aquinas, I quickly began to realize that the next four years of my life didn't have to be like the last. This was an opportunity for new beginnings, and I was determined to throw myself into as many new experiences as possible. I did this in the hopes that I would find myself; and find myself I did. I walked on to the softball team and joined multiple clubs on campus. I found that I was great in subjects that I found enjoyment in such as English and Criminal Justice, which I am now majoring in. I had always been passionate about music and made many long lasting friendships as a result of all the things I took an interest in, new and old.

I even performed musically on stage and at karaokes and open mic nights at the little bars around campus - something I never would have dreamed of doing in high school. It is the culmination of these things that soon helped me realize what I now know about myself and should have known all along - I am not worthless. I am worth the world. I always was.

I hope that this letter can help anyone who is feeling helpless or like they don't matter at the expense of a bully to find some kind of hope. If you need a little reassurance that things will not stay this way forever, this is it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You DO matter. Things WILL get better; I'm a living, breathing example of this. It's true, high school never really ends, but eventually your perspective will. One day you will not be so concerned with the thoughts of others, or consumed with feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. You will find yourself when you least expect it, and you will shine so bright from the inside out that no one can ignore you or make you feel like you aren't important. Because guess what? You are.

Conversely, I also hope this letter reaches someone who may be making someone else's life a living hell. It is NOT cool to be a bully. Whether you are calling them fat, ugly, stupid, etc., you are not helping. You cannot just go around hurting people because you're insecure, or because you think its funny; It isn't right. You know who won't think it's funny? The little brother of a classmate who you pushed over the edge when he has to attend her funeral. Neither will the parents of a promising young athlete who was never able to reach his full potential because your tormenting ways drove him to commit suicide. It is so much easier be kind. To be loving and caring. If everyone in the world could just find it within themselves to be compassionate to each other, I couldn't even begin to imagine how much better a place the world would be to live in. So the next time that you go to push that kid to the ground, call that girl "ugly" or be cruel and hurtful in any other way, stop and think about what you are doing and why you are doing it, and how you would feel if it were you or someone you love being treated that way.

If you had asked me years ago, I would have told you that I had nothing but animosity, hatred and bitterness for you whenever your name was mentioned. But here I stand, almost four years later with absolutely nothing but compassion, love and strength in my heart. Here I stand, having established great relationships with some of the most incredible roommates and friends, surrounded by a continuously loving and supportive family and having been loved by a boy that always saw nothing but the good in me.

But more importantly, I have a newfound sense of self worth that I will never allow anyone to take away from me ever again. And while a part of me will always be a little insecure, I am confident that can go through life with the certainty that I have the strength, resilience and fortitude to get past any obstacle that life throws at me, no matter how difficult it may seem in the moment.

Sincerely,

A more positive, more vibrant, happier me