Dear Mom, Step-Dad, My Brothers and Sister,
I've thought about writing this thousands of times in thousands of different ways but for some reason, I could never get it to come out the way I planned. I have anxiety and it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I know my triggers (most of the time) and usually I can get myself away from everyone before the shit hits the fan, but sometimes, sometimes I can't because sometimes my anxiety hits for absolutely no reason. So if that happens, don't try to get me to talk about it, just sit there in silence with me while I cry my way through it because that's just how I handle it. I cry until I can't cry anymore, while the tears will flow down my face, the last thing I need are for you to start asking me questions. My panic attacks are way worse for me than they are for you, trust me. Sometimes it can build up for days and before I know it, I'm hyperventilating and crying. I'm not going to sit here and blame anyone for my anxiety but sometimes you're the trigger.
To my mom and step-dad, I'm so scared to disappoint you two that if I think I have, I'll have a panic attack. You two have given up so much to get me where I am today. You help me every semester to pay part of my tuition. You let me come to UW- Platteville to follow my dreams even though you didn't want me too because I'm your little girl, the youngest of 5. The day I dropped the bomb that I wanted to attend a university that was over 260 miles away from home AND that it was in a different state, I thought you were gonna kill me. Yes, we argued about it for so long because I decided to take a different path than my brothers and sister did but finally you two relented and here I am. Happier than I've ever been. The last thing I will ever want to do is to let you down, so if I think I'll be getting a bad grade, I'll have an attack. In my mind, I've let you down, even if I haven't. You've given up so much for me that I don't want to let you down. You have expectations of me and I am determined to prove myself to you.
To my siblings, you sit there and tell me that I get so much in life and that I'm so fortunate, you're not wrong. I am so fortunate for what I have. Yes, I'm the youngest child and I've had a lot handed to me but still that's no good enough for me. All I ever wanted was to prove myself to you. I've always wanted to be just like you, especially like my brothers. I am so much younger than you three, literally the baby of the family. My oldest brother, we don't really have a great relationship. While I'm just starting my life here in college, you're married with a family. You've got your life and I've got mine. We don't talk as much as I wish we would and yet I still feel like I have to prove myself worthy of being your baby sister. To my two other brothers, we have a strong relationship. I grew up with you two around the house. You watched me grow up. I always wanted to be just like you two, perhaps that's the reason I was a criminal justice major, because you two got a degree in it too. I just want you to be proud of me. Even though you two have your own life, you still make sure to check in with me from time to time. You don't know it because I'm not around often anymore but my anxiety is bad. I hate it when I feel like you might be making fun of me about it because for me, I'm fucking terrified of something that's in my own mind, I can't runaway from it and I can't turn it off. I am living with this everyday and if that isn't brave, then I don't know what is. I get anxiety attacks when I feel like I've let you down. I feel like I need to prove myself to you three more so than I do with mom and our step-dad. I've always been different from you three because I didn't share the same name as you... and you three made sure that I KNEW I wasn't apart of your "gang" (note to the reader, not a real gang, just my brothers teasing me because I have a different name. No illegal activity or gang affiliation of any kind here). I'm trying to prove myself worthy of being your sister. You'll sit here and tell me that I don't have to prove anything but I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove myself anyway.
I love all of you so much. My anxiety isn't easy for me. So bare with me because I'm trying to figure out my mess of a life with my anxiety. I take on too much, I am trying to get great grades so I can get into grad school after I've gotten my bachelors here, and I'm trying to keep my life together. I have two jobs, I go to school, and I am in a sorority. I feel like I mess up all the time, and it feels like I've hit lower than rock bottom sometimes, but know that I get back up, brush myself off, and keep going. Perhaps after reading this you'll understand what I deal with every day.
Love,
The Youngest Child
