Dear Old "Friend",
It's been three years. Three years since you stole my teenage years away from me. Three years since you decided what was best for me. Three years ago, I gave my life to you, and now I want it back. You took everything from me: my freedom, my friends, my health, my life. I gave everything to you, and you promised to make me happy. The first thing you ever said to me was "no." "No, they don't like you," "No, you can't have that you don't deserve that." And still after three years I believe you. You're still in my head telling me what to do on the daily. "No, don't say hi to them, they think you're weird," "No, don't tell anybody you're struggling, you are just a burden to them," "No, don't wear that, you look fat."
I know all of your tricks and I've learned all about your lies, but yet I still struggle with letting you go. You still have your grasp on me. Every single day you're there to tell me nobody cares, nobody likes me, that I'm sick and disgusting. Every meal you're there, never letting me look away from the calories that are displayed in the dining hall. You're there telling me "no." You're there always telling me to eat the least or I'm the failure; I'm the joke, I'm fat. You're constantly there never letting me forget what I eat, never letting me relax, always making me feel guilty. You're always there beating me down, making me feel like nothing, making me feel smaller than an ant, but at the same time bigger than the solar system. You tell me dizziness is good and very low vitamin levels are even better. You tell me less is better, I take up too much space. You tell me control, control, control. You seem to appear in everything, never letting me get away. You lead me through a constant maze trying to find freedom, and whenever I do, you're there ready to push me back down again and again and again.
Your grip on me is so tight sometimes the light at the end of this very long tunnel doesn't seem to exist. Your big black cloud follows me around constantly taunting me telling me I will never be good enough. You taunt me until I'm crying in my room alone because you've convinced me that nobody wants to deal with a burden like me. You always seem to be there pulling me under your waves, never letting me get a breath of fresh air. And even though you're always there making me feel lonely and bringing me to my knees in tears over dinner or letting me cripple in the emotional exhaustion and pain you cause me, I'm thankful for you. Without you, who would I be? I am thankful for you because without you my life would be completely different. Your constant threat of your electricity, your constant threat of my life is still with you. But I'm learning. I'm learning that you cannot have my life. I will not be apart of the 12 percent that you take every year. Your electricity may cripple me to my knees but it won't break me. You may shake me, but you won't break me.
You want the sick girl in these pictures — you hate seeing the happy girl in the middle. You may shake me, but you will not break me. You will not break me.
