An Open Letter To My Birth Mother

Dear Birth Mother,

Hello there. My name is Colleen Devanney and I’m your daughter. The last time we saw each other I was one year old, maybe less than that. I’m nineteen now and live in a small town in the state of Connecticut. I have a new mother now, and a new father, and I live a very happy life here in the United States. My entire life, I knew I was adopted from China. Being raised in an Irish Catholic family, I always saw that I looked different from everyone else; there wasn't any moment in time that I remember my parents saying, “You're adopted.” I love when people ask me about my adoption, my life growing up in America, my relationship with my adoptive parents, and so on and so forth. It’s really weird calling them my adoptive parents in this letter, though, because to me they’re just my parents.

I’ve thought about you and my birth father throughout my life, but I have never sat down and really thought about you like this before. The sacrifice that you yourself had to make was tremendous, and for that I cannot thank you enough. To have the strength to carry me inside you for nine months just to find out that I was a girl must have been heartbreaking, or even terrifying for you. What happened after that, I don’t know, and I honestly don’t want to know. I’m sorry that that had to happen to you, though… I really, truly am. Being a woman in a patriarchal society must not be easy, and having a daughter in that world must not have made things any easier on you. Coming from a very poor and impoverished part of China also did not make your life any easier, I would imagine.

I have always wanted to be a mother. Since I was a toddler with my baby dolls, I have known. I see babies on the street and a little part of me wishes that they could be mine. Someday I will have a baby of my own; partially because I’m selfish and want a baby, partially because I’ll admit that I’m a bit conceded and think that I’ll be a great mother, and small part because I want that opportunity to be a birth mother and have that biological connection I’ve never had. Although I believe that adoption is a beautiful gift for both children and parents, I know that it is not for me. I can’t wait until the day that I can have my own biological child and be a mother and love my baby and make sacrifices, just like I know you did for me and that all mothers do for their children.

Besides the fact that I love you, and always will have a place in my heart for you, I really just want you to know that I tried to find you. I searched through papers and online to try and find any hints at whom you could be and how I could find you. Unfortunately, my adoption occurred almost two decades ago, and any traces of it seem to have all but disappeared from history. I just need you to know that I have tried to find you, and who knows? Maybe one day I actually will be able to…

In the end, I just want you to know that I love you and I admire your strength and courage. Your bravery truly improved my life, and I would like to think that it improved yours as well. I thank you for your courageous decision and I hope that your life is going well. Hopefully one day I will be able to thank you in person.

Love,

Your Daughter Colleen