You used to be something I was used to having because, well, I don't remember ever not having you.
You were there during my first breakup. You were there through my first thoughts of suicide. You were there when I didn't wanna go to school because I was tired of being picked on. You were there during my first figure skating competition.
But, most importantly, you were there - even when I was a kid. You never left me, but you always made me feel small. No matter how tiny the act, you were always there to tell me I wasn't good enough to pull this or that off.
In elementary school, you got me picked on by the other girls in the bathroom for crying when it was my time to present a project to the class.
In middle school, you got me picked on even more for being that girl who was "too shy", and got labeled a "slut" for having multiple guy friends (because having girl friends was just too much drama and only made you worse).
But now, I'm in high school, and I'm sorry to say you've only gotten worse.
At freshman orientation, you got me asked repeatedly why I was "so quiet" and why I apparently "didn't wanna make any friends".
In the courtyard during lunch, you got me called "stuck up" for keeping my head down while my other friends would laugh and joke.
In a classroom, you got me dirty looks for asking to be excused, because you decided you wanted to have an outburst and make me have an anxiety attack and start crying.
In the bathrooms, you made me have to stand in a stall for almost 10 minutes at a time to wait until the other girls left so I could wash my hands.
In the halls, you made me walk fast between every class, and keep to myself so I could pretend I wasn't having an internal anxiety attack after I saw 4 other students walk past me and give me dirty looks.
Now it's the summer before I start my sophomore year, and you've made my life hell. I'm slowly but surely developing insomnia. I'm constantly fidgeting with myself and picking at my nails, or biting the skin on my lips. I'm waking up in the morning with no recollection of even falling asleep. My 4 headaches a day have turned into my one giant all-day migraine that no amount of sleep, showers, or Tylenol could ever fix.
I leave for college in 2 years, and I'm not sorry you to say that you can't come with me. I can't move to Boston and be a normal college student in the big city with you around. I wouldn't be able to flourish and be an adult with you controlling my life. I wouldn't be able to go to parties and be a NORMAL college kid with you not leaving my side. Not to mention the fact that, by this time in 2 years, I'll be living in a dorm with another person, and I can't do that with you hovering over me. I wouldn't be able to make friends or even have a life because you'd be holding me back. You'll always be holding me back if I let you come with me to the big world that is adulthood after high school. There'd be no Harvard, or Red Sox games, or psychology class presentations, or medical school applications, or even becoming a surgeon. None of that is possible with you.
If I continue to let you control my life, there will be no me. I will merely be a shell of what I once was before you kicked into overdrive and flipped me, and my life, upside down.
