Dear Dad,
I love you. You were a truly amazing dad when I was growing up. I’ve watched home videos of us playing together and you loved me with a love that every father should constantly give to his daughter. I remember our date to the daddy-daughter dance. I remember when they called my name for a raffle and told me I was the “wrong Sara” and you took me to Oberweis and taught me how to play chess. I remember very fond memories of my time with you growing up. But then something changed. It was in middle school. You and mom separated, which later led to your divorce. You and I grew distant. We started to fight. You started to argue with me and treat me like I was an adult, when I wasn’t yet. You manipulated me and you mentally and emotionally hurt me. I learned things about your past that shook my foundation about our relationship and who you were as my father. The final straw came the night before my 18th birthday. I put my full trust and confidence in you and you broke that trust. You lied to me. From that moment on, I built a wall between us. I didn’t want to talk to you. I wanted no contact with you. I no longer cared what you thought of me or what your opinions were on any subject. My heart was hardened towards your words and actions and I was done. For the last two years, God has been softening and healing my heart towards you. I’ve been going to therapy and learning to live a life knowing that the space in my heart that should be filled with you will never be filled with you. I dream about a father who will take the place in my heart and I know you can never fill that. I’ve been hurt too many times to risk letting myself be hurt by you again. I know you will never be my ideal father. My step-father, as wonderful as a husband he is to my mom and a “father figure” he is in my and Jack’s life, he won’t fill the void in my heart. Josh’s father reminds me of the good attributes you have, but he’s not my father. From where I stand right now, you aren’t my father. You have become a stranger to me over the years; someone I feel the need to call occasionally, and check up on, out of guilt if I don’t. I miss the good memories we have. I miss that you are the one person who will go to the theater with me, because no one else will. You are the one person who understands how much I love salt in my food and lemon in everything I eat. You condone my weird eating interests because you’re the one who got me started in weird foods. You have never stopped loving me, even when I couldn’t stand the thought of you without my blood boiling. We’ve both changed over the years. I’ve grown to understand that I won’t ever get to know everything about your past -- and that’s okay. As your child, it’s not my business to know everything you’ve ever done. I don’t need to know that. And if I did know, where does that get me? How does that benefit out relationship? I don’t know where you are on your walk with Christ and I can’t trust your opinions because I don’t know your mentality or worldview. I can’t have serious or deep life talks with you because I don’t know where your mind is at. I am sorry on my end for how I’ve treated you and ignored you and hated you. That’s not who God called me to be. I forgive you for everything you’ve done to me and will do to me, even if I must go the rest of my life without an apology from you. You have your own life now with a new home and a fiancé that you love. You have moved on and I am so happy for you. Every day, I make the conscious choice to love you and your mistakes, regardless of how I feel about them. I know that you love me no matter what I’ve done, so what is the difference when it’s your mistakes and your faults? I don’t know if you’ll ever read this letter or not. I don’t know if you’ll ever get a hold of this or if I’ll ever share this with you, but if you do end up reading this, please know that above all, I love you. Yes, we have a rough relationship and I don’t know where God is going to take us, but I love you. Thank you for not giving up on your little girl.
Love,
Sara
