An Open Letter To My Eating Disorder

An Open Letter To My Eating Disorder

I am in charge of my life now.
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Dear Eating Disorder,

You came into my life without no shame. When I was being bullied in elementary school, you convinced me that if I got “thin” then I would be accepted and the bullying would stop. It turns out that it was a lie, but you still stuck around.

In the beginning, you introduced me to “good and bad foods”. Carbs were the enemy, cookies were the enemy, milk was the enemy, and pizza was the enemy. Secretly starving my body of the nutrients it needed just to measure up to your standards. Then, to make matters worst, you convinced me I was worthless and not good enough because I wasn’t an honor roll student like my cousins and sister.

The vicious cycle continued through high school. You honestly made high school the worst four years of my life. You still egged me on about how I was dumb, stupid, and how I would never make it to college. You were my bully, but I was weak because I loved you. You somehow made me focus more, you gave me anxiety about tests and quizzes, which made me study all night without or very little sleep. It was safe to say I was addicted to you.

I didn’t want you out of my life because you made me feel safe. You were my cocoon, but my dark place. A dark place where I would isolate myself from the world and because of that I lost friends because I was so committed to you.

One day, I developed this feeling, this feeling of being sick and tired. I was on the borderline of life and death. You were killing me slowly and I decided that I wanted to live. I chose life. I chose happiness.

The day I chose me over you, was hard and I felt selfish, but it was you making me feel those feelings. I went forwarded with treatment breaking free from the chains slowly.

Now I am in college. Now I am putting myself first when I need to. You keep trying to come back into my life, but I refuse to let you back in. Sometimes I miss you, but honestly most of the time I don’t. I am in the process of moving onto to bigger and better things in life. I can eat a slice of pizza, I can have a cookie if I want to, and I can eat carbs, but most of all I’m not worthless, I am not dumb or stupid, and I can be happy.

I will not let you back in...”ED”. That’s a fact. I am in charge of my life now.

Cover Image Credit: erinstuddardfitness.com

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An Open Letter To The Girl Trying To Get Healthy Again

"I see you eating whatever you want and not exercising" - Pants
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Dear girl trying to get back in shape,

I know it's hard. I know the hardest thing you may do all day is walk into the gym. I know how easy it is to want to give up and go eat Chicken McNuggets, but don't do it. I know it feels like you work so hard and get no where. I know how frustrating it is to see that person across the table from you eat a Big Mac every day while you eat your carrots and still be half of your size. I know that awful feeling where you don't want to go to the gym because you know how out of shape you are. Trust me, I know.

SEE ALSO: To The Girl Trying To Lose Weight In College


The important thing is you are doing something about it. I'm sure you get mad at yourself for letting your body get this out of shape, but life happens. You have made a huge accomplishment by not having a soda in over a month, and those small changes are huge. I understand how hard it is, I understand how frustrating it is to not see results and I understand why you want to give up. Being healthy and fit takes so much time. As much as I wish you could wake up the day after a good workout with the 6 pack of your dreams, that just isn't the reality. If being healthy was easy, everyone would do it, and it wouldn't feel so good when you got there.

Remember how last January your resolution was to get back in the gym and get healthy again? Think about how incredible you would look right now if you would have stuck with it. The great thing is that you can start any time, and you can prove yourself wrong.

Tired of starting over? Then don't give up.

You are only as strong as your mind. You will get there one day. Just be patient and keep working.

Nothing worth having comes easy. If you want abs more than anything, and one day you woke up with them, it wouldn't be nearly as satisfying as watching your body get stronger.

Mental toughness is half the battle. If you think you are strong, and believe you are strong, you will be strong. Soon, when you look back on the struggle and these hard days, you will be so thankful you didn't give up.

Don't forget that weight is just a number. What is really important is how you feel, and that you like how you look. But girl, shout out to you for working on loving your body, because that shit is hard.

To the girl trying to get healthy again, I am so proud of you. It won't be easy, it will take time. But keep working out, eating right, and just be patient. You will be amazed with what your body is capable of doing.

Cover Image Credit: Stock Snap

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Here's A Big 'F*#@ You' To The Family Members Who Degrade You Because Of Your Weight

Oh yes, Aunt Karen, I'm looking at you, sweetie.

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We've all been there. Grandma *insert generic name* waltzes into the Thanksgiving gathering like she owns the damn place while you're minding your own business. You feel pretty freaking good about the new, orange sweater you just bought that was on sale AND looks perfect for this pleasant event.

She walks straight up to you and gives you a giant hug, looks you up and down multiple times, and says "look at you!" with an awkward side eye of trying not to show that she can tell you've gained a few extra pounds after leaving for college. You know you have, but holy smokes she didn't have to make it that obvious, did she?

Yes, I do enjoy three bowls of cereal at 10 pm when I'm stressing over my student debt, Grandma Sally.

She struts over to your sister and compliments her on how she's grown taller, lost weight, and how her makeup is #onpoint. But OK, I've stopped growing and I can't do winged eyeliner #getoverit.

https://gph.is/2mJRUNC

You shake it off and walk away as though that didn't hurt your feelings in the slightest.

The whole time you're at the dinner/family gathering you feel completely uncomfortable and fill your head with self-doubt and thoughts of "should I even eat that slice of pie?"

When you think about it, would you dare question that her sweater makes her look frumpier than usual? NO, because you love her and she is beautiful to you no matter how her shape has changed (even though you now wish you could just tell her that her mascara smudged and looks dreadful #Yikes).

Girl, I cannot tell you the number of times I have turned down an extra serving during these food-filled events all because of one disapproving look about how I did gain a bit of weight. I thought one unhealthy item would make me gain ANOTHER five pounds (that's not how that happens I finally learned, that would take a lot more than one slice of pumpkin pie).

I have been surrounded by multiple, more male than female, family members who have said, "Do you need that?" "You eat like a pig," or the worst "Go on, eat it, it's not like you'll be able to stop."

This is where I drew the damn line.

I have had an issue with binge eating in the recent past, and the fact that a male family member had the nerve to voice their opinion on how I cannot control myself revolving around a mental issue I possess is absolutely disgusting.

The fact that a family member, whether it be a father, grandmother, or even a second cousin twice removed (does their opinion really matter though?), can make you feel uncomfortable or worthless because of a change in your appearance does not possess unconditional love for you #FACT.

How dare anyone, especially the people closest to you, give you disapproval due to the number on a scale?

To all the family members who have voiced their opinion on my weight, this article is me flipping you off in the nicest way, OK? So take this with a grain of salt.

SO, my advice next time Aunt Karen gives you a rough time or disapproving side eye if the freshman 15 is starting to kick in, EAT THAT EXTRA CUPCAKE. As though it's a big middle finger to how she views you, it'll feel and taste great while making them feel as though they have no power over you!

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