My dear friends,

You may have been afraid to read this because you don't want the tears to shed. Maybe this will make you feel so intense and you're overwhelmed by that.

I get it.

I'm not a licensed therapist and I'm not trying to trigger you or stir up anything inside of you... But I want to encourage you to FEEL. It's natural to want to fight the thoughts and feelings because they're scary. But here's the thing - running TOWARDS those scary things are what's going to make you feel better in the long run. Yes, it will be one hell of a painful process, and I know that from experience. What I want you to know is this: in that pain, you're not alone. If you're considering taking your own life because of a situation you feel is hopeless, please continue reading this. Cry. Scream. Pray. Just feel the emotion.

Take it from someone who has been through a lot herself, struggling with numerous things - Things DO get better. Everything happens for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, but God does. I'm not trying to preach to you and understand that you may not believe what I believe, but I'm telling you, God saved my life!

I used to have a bad habit of covering up my pain with pills. This eventually led to two attempts at suicide that shocked everyone. For such a long time, my daily thinking literally consisted of self-devouring thoughts that encouraged me to take extra pills and convinced me I was better off dead.

Thinking like that wasn't just a habit, that was my way of coping! I thought about suicide so much because it seemed like the easier option - the one that wouldn't leave me stuck. I got relief in thinking I wouldn't have to feel like this anymore because I could just go to Heaven and end it all. I also thought about it so much because I literally did not think that anyone gave a crap about me. I was tired of the invalidation, lack of support, shame, and pain. I didn't think I could handle those feelings anymore - I was too scared to deal with them so I tried to shove them back further, which ended up hurting me more in the long run.

Once I recognized that using suicidal thoughts as a way of coping with my pain was not healthy, that's when work started to happen. It's been nine months since I've seriously considered suicide. NINE MONTHS! That was such a huge part of my life and by the grace of God, I don't see that as an option anymore. Sure, occasionally I will get triggered and tempted to take extra pills, but I haven't yet given into those thoughts and I know I won't. So how did I go from thinking about suicide literally every week to not thinking about it in nine months?

3 reasons:

1: God. He saved my life.

I am in recovery because of Him. He's the reason why I keep going.

2: Intense therapy.

Yes, I mean INTENSE. Right now, I'm being broken down to my core. It's like I'm in rehab. I've gained some painful insight. It's been one hell of a journey and it does get scary. I feel like an onion peeling away all of the layers. It's been challenging. But it's because of that work I've done that I don't consider suicide anymore. It's all worth it to me.

3: Positive thinking.

I'm starting to realize that life is not all black or white - it's a little bit of both. There are good days and bad days. I'm working hard to change my thought processes and replace negative self-talk with positive. These are the three things that have brought me to where I am today.

As for the feelings of suicidality, I know what a burden it is to carry around the weight of "I want to die" on your shoulders. It sucks. I'm sure you feel trapped, and I am so sorry you are in pain. I am so sorry you feel it has come to this. I know you're scared. I know you feel you'd be better off dead and no one would care if you were to end it all. I know you feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. And I know you went through something that gives you every reason to feel that way. Sometimes life gets to be too much for us to handle and for that reason, your feelings are valid. But you must remember that those feelings are just feelings. You have the power to tell yourself that feelings are not facts.

You do not have to act upon those feelings. You are stronger than the feelings. I know how exhausting it is to hold on, but I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

You are stronger than you realize! Even though it may seem impossible, I promise you that pain does end. I promise you that you are going through this for a reason. Ask yourself “What's keeping me alive?" Hold onto that! Even if it's one thing or one person, that's something to live for. You may be scared of the recovery process, scared to continue on, scared to fight! Don't give up, because I promise you that you will get through it.

Within the same token, please encourage yourself to feel what you want to feel when you want to feel it. It's okay to throw yourself a pity party and feel like crap, but it's also okay to smile and experience joy. You will have bad days, yes, but you'll also have good days. I encourage you to try and focus on those good days instead of wallowing on the bad ones. But again, I acknowledge that you're feeling like crap, and I'm NOT here to tell you to snap out of it and be happy because I understand it doesn't work that way. Positive thinking takes practice, but I'm here to tell you that it is WORTH practicing! Remember, I once was there, and I can honestly say that although my life is far from perfect and I still have a great deal of pain to work through, I am 100% grateful that I am alive. I'm proud of where I've come. And I promise you will be too if you keep on fighting.

Friends, seriously - If you are in trouble, feeling like there is no way out and wanting to give up on life, I cannot encourage you enough: TALK TO SOMEONE. There are people who love, care, and adore you! People are willing to help you. Don't let suicide be an option. Reaching out is the hardest step, but I promise it's worth it. Although I would recommend talking to a therapist about it who can help you process the intensity, start out with whoever you're comfortable with. Whether it be a parent, friend, pastor, teacher, or counselor, they want to help you. They care about you. There is a crisis helpline available that has been extremely helpful for me, and I know would be beneficial to you as well.

If you get anything from this, I want it to be this: I love you and you are beautiful. No matter what situation, social status, or history you have, I love you. Life is precious. Cherish it. Love it. Love yourself. Before you think about swallowing the pill or pulling the trigger, remember that you got this far, and that is something to be extremely proud of. You are loved... You are beautiful... You are worthy... You are important.... And you are not alone.
Keep your head up darling, your crown is falling.

The number for the suicide hotline is 1-800-273-8255. Don't be ashamed - Reach out!

Much love, your friend,

Hanna