My mother died almost two years ago, and not a day goes by without me thinking of her. While I’m still overcome with sadness at often unpredictable times, for the most part, my thoughts of her are focused on positive memories. I’m grieving healthily and am moving along at my own pace. But with each passing day comes a new obstacle that having a deceased parent presents.

Currently, I struggle the most with the idea of her absence. The obvious absences occurred to me first, like how she wasn’t able to see me graduate, or how if I ever decide to get married, she won’t be there. But over time, the ways that I notice her absence become more subtle. I’m now secure in the knowledge that being sad over her absence at future milestones will not change the fact that she has died. So for me, there is little reason to focus on it. As time goes by, I adjust more and more to simply missing her, and moving on.

However, the part that I still struggle with is having to break the news of my passed parent to new acquaintances. I tend to avoid this topic as much as is possible, but sometimes people assume I come from a dual parent household and I have to choose between leading them to believe my mother is still alive (something I consider to be actively lying), or breaking the news.

It’s not that I am frustrated or upset with those that assume both of my parents are still present, as many people speak based off of their own experiences. No, the part that angers me most is a bizarre combination of the false sorrow and pity I get from others, mixed with my internal anger at my feigned sadness. I don’t lack sorrow over her death, on the contrary, I’ve felt it so much and so often that I now know how to make it seem like I feel none at all. However, I find myself acting sadder than I feel when I have to explain her death to people for the first time.

After reciting her condition (cancer), to so many doctors, neighbors, friends, family, friends of family and even family of friends, I developed a rehearsed response. And I am comfortable with that response. But my casual delivery of the tale of her stage four cancer discovery, of the rise and fall of her resistance, of her awful yet peaceful departure in my family’s home, is now so void of the emotions they think I should feel, that it is off-putting to others. And I often find myself tailoring my response so as to make others comfortable. I “feign” more sorrow and emotion over her passing than I genuinely feel at that moment. Again, it isn’t that I am not sad about her death, but rather that I am now comfortable in having to deal with what is now a daily fact of reality for me. Something that I am personally proud of and have put great effort into achieving.

Just because I do not advertise my sadness about my mother’s passing, or my grieving process, does not invalidate my feelings nor my expressions and processing of grief. Everyone handles things differently, and there are pros and cons to each way. Just because I don’t break down crying every time I have to tell an assumptive person about her death, does not mean I’m an emotionless asshole. I am not going to tailor my emotions to suit how you think I should be reacting. It is my struggle and my burden to bear. We as a society try to push our norms onto all of those around us, attempting to make them fit into a mold we do not truly abide by ourselves. Why make coping with death a part of that as well, when it is such a different yet equally challenging experience for all. Just because it is unavoidable does not mean we must all deal with it in the same way.