Dear Universe,
As I sit here at my cheap, old desk in my dorm room, I contemplate the actual reason why I'm crying. And truthfully, I don't think I can answer that. I cry because I hold every emotion I feel inside me and can't seem to let it out when appropriate. I cry because everyday something or someone makes me feel worthless and like there's no meaning to anything good or bad in the world. I cry because I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that I live in a world where horrible things happen to good people and nothing is as it seems.
I know some of the things I've said are vague and kinda depressing. Let me clear things up for you. I don't hate you, Universe. I just don't understand why you do the things you do.
For one, why do some people just vanish from your life like they never existed there in the first place? I'm a spiritual person, and I try to believe in Heaven and I try to stay faithful to the idea that He watches us and everything happens for a reason. But damnit, it's hard. Death is a topic for me that triggers me instantly, and not because I've lost someone close to me, because I haven't. Great-grandparents and a couple dogs are the extent of Death that I've dealt with. But when I think about Death and I see other people who have lost spouses, children, and best friends, I feel numb. I go through my life constantly thinking about the people I could lose at the blink of an eye. Not only am I scared that I would never get to hear my boyfriend laugh at my stupid jokes again, or gossip with my sister, or have deep conversations with my best friend, but I'm scared that there is nothing beautiful when you take take that last breath and the sweet, genuinely lovely people in my life are actually crossing into an oblivion of darkness. UNIVERSE, GIVE ME THE ANSWERS.
I don't understand how there are people in this world who couldn't give a damn about anyone but themselves. I truly don't. I care for every man, woman, child, and creature. Sometimes I can't even stand to pick a beautiful flower because it belongs attached to the Earth, and who am I to ruin that? I want to buy candy for every child who comes into a store and can't afford to buy a Snickers. Homeless people rip my heart to shreds and I have restrain myself from helping every single one, because financially, I just can't. I hate money, I hate greed, I hate narcissism. I hate "hate". And I know I'm hating on all of these things, which makes me an instigator to the problem and I couldn't care less because whether I hate something or not, the world won't change.
Apparently, for this beautiful world to continue- we needs war, famine, disease, hate, greed, narcissism, and genocide.
I'm not cool with that. And I wish I could change everything. But I can't. I'm a 19 year old girl in college who can't even figure out how to be a good girlfriend, student, daughter, and friend.
I can't change anything.
