To my beautiful angel, my best friend, my sister,
It has taken me a while to bring myself to speak to you and I am sorry for that. I couldn't find the words to say. It's hard because face to face conversations are a thing of the past. I never once imagined that your voice would be a distant memory or something that I would never be able to hear again. I try not to think about it. Speaking to you now only makes the fact that you are gone much more real, and it's hard. There isn't any good explanation or combination of the 26 letters in the alphabet to even describe how I feel, but I miss talking to you.
I was told that I will get over it and that everything will be okay, it will be okay, but I will never "get over it." I don't even think it is possible to get over the death of a loved one, especially your death. Imagining a life without you is unbearable and I am slowly learning to adapt to this new harsh reality. There isn't a day that goes by that you don't cross my mind. When a picture of you pops up as I scroll Facebook, theres a split second where I forget that you are gone. A smile comes across my face and then slowly disappears as I remember that you are no longer here. This happens more frequently than I wish. There are times that I want to call you because I'm having a bad day and need cheering up and not being able to breaks my heart. Your death is still so unreal.
If only I could see you smile and hear your voice one more time. Your smile was iconic. That's what everyone remembers you by. Your smile could light up the entire room. It made everyone feel better. I remember coming across a video of you the other day and hearing your laugh. I would give anything to go back to the times where we would climb out your window, sit on your roof, and talk about life. We would laugh together until the sun rose or we would hold each other as one of us wept. You were my person. You knew every single one of my secrets. I trusted you with my life because we had a bond like sisters.
You always said that you never wanted to grow up. You wanted to stay young forever. If you could go back to the middle school days you would. I always disagreed with you because my middle school days were torture. The thing is I would go back to those days in a heartbeat. I would not mind the bullying or any of the bad memories that I experienced back then if it meant having you back. I miss my best friend. You are worth going back for. I don't want to grow up if it means experiencing life without you.
Whenever I pictured my future, you were always by my side. When I got engaged you were going to be the first person I called. You were going to be the one I brought to help me pick out my dress. When I walk down the aisle of sand on the beach right next to the ocean you were supposed to be by my side. I never once thought you wouldn't be there for all of the milestones yet to come. At least in the physical sense. I know you will be watching me from above and giving me the strength to go on.
You stop by every once in awhile. It makes my day a little better knowing that you are with me. I'm sure you know this already, but I got a tattoo for you. It says "Your memory will carry on" with birds flying out of it. I chose birds because we always admired how free they were. Looking up and watching a flock of birds soar was like a high. The first time you came to visit me, you came with a flock of birds. It was freezing out. Cold enough where you wouldn't normally see birds. As the song that Maggie played at your funeral came on while I was driving, birds flew over me. When the song came to an end another flock flew over my car and I immediately got the chills. It was in that moment I knew it was you. I started to cry and smile at the same time. Now every time I see a flock of birds I think of you. I am so blessed to have known such a beautiful soul as yours. I am thankful that we can still share a few split seconds every now and again when you stop by to remind me that you are still here. I love and miss you more than you will ever know.
Your memory will carry on.
Love, Niki
