North Korea recently issued a statement claiming that their impending attacks on the United States will be worse than the September 11th attacks. This threat is the most recent in a string of convoluted rhetoric being perpetuated by the self-proclaimed greatest country in the history world. I was miraculously granted an interview and gained some insight on the great nation of North Korea.
“Our country is advancing at a rate the world has never seen”, claimed Vice Marshal Cho Ryong Hae.“Our great leader Kim Jong Un shot a 14 in 18 holes of golf, something that has never been done before," he said. When I asked what a golf score had to do with the successes of the hermit nation, Cho Ryong Hae referred to me as "imperialist swine.” Expecting this type of hostility, I calmly continued the interview. “Can you explain to the rest of the world why so many of your citizens attempt to defect even though they supposedly live in the greatest nation on Earth?” Looking flustered, Ryong Hae began to tell a story about Kim Jong Un climbing Mount Everest in a record time of 14 minutes and 38 seconds without the use of any equipment. As interesting and impressive as this story was, it did not quite answer my question. As I gazed around the dingy Vice Marshal’s office that I sat in, I could not help but feel sorry for the little guy. He reminded me of a little Chihuahua that constantly lashed out at larger animals out of fear. I knew what I had to do.
I slowly stood up from my chair and made my way to the other side of the desk where the Vice Marshal was sitting (Still have not figured out what that title means or what his duties are). I kneeled down next to the trembling leader and gazed deeply into his eyes. “You have been hurt by someone haven’t you?”
He looked back at me, his bottom lip quivering. “Kim Jong Un once swam across the Pacific in less than an hour," he muttered. It became very clear to me that these wild stories about the feats of their Great Leader were the only arguments they had ever been trained to make.
I put my hand on his shoulder, “I think we both know that isn’t true.” Before he could get out the words “capitalist pig-dog,” he broke down crying. I embraced the highly decorated North Korean Vice Marshal and allowed him to weep for several minutes all while sporadically referring to me as a “swine” and “imperialist.”I pulled out a Snickers bar from my briefcase and hand fed it to the now broken down Vice Marshal. He tried to hand me a food ration ticket in exchange, but I waved it off. He looked at me, wiping the tears from his eyes and said something to me that no North Korean leader had ever said to an American before, “thank you.” It was at this moment I realized that I had broken through the gruff exterior of the North Korean Vice Marshal.
Knowing my work was done, I stood up to leave. As I walked through the door, I heard the Vice Marshal tell me to wait. I turned around and he said, “Kim Jong Un hasn’t actually done any of those things that I told you.” “I know,” I said, “I know.”
*To state the obvious, this is satire*
