An Apology-Turned-Thank-You Letter to Myself

Dear me,

I am so sorry. I am so sorry for everything that I have put you through mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I am so sorry that I continuously did things that I knew would be harmful but still couldn't stop. I'm sorry for all of the "I'm fine, it's totally fine" excuses that I made you hear over and over again. I'm sorry for the times that I convinced myself to do something, sure that it would make me feel better, only to find myself alone and crying again at night.

I'm sorry for the times that I knocked you down again and again, confident that it was because I deserved it. I'm sorry for the times that I made excuses for myself and surrounded myself with negativity, insecurity, and sadness. I'm sorry for the times that I have deprived you of the calories, nutrients, and vitamins that you need and crave. I'm sorry for the countless exercises, workouts, and pressure that I made you endure, despite the signs and pleas you gave for rest and relaxation.

Finally, I am so sorry for all the times I stared at you in the full-length mirror and listed off all of the parts of you that I didn't like because they were too big or too small, too noticeable or not noticeable enough, too "fat" or too "skinny". I'm sorry that I never gave you the appreciation or respect that you deserve. I never gave you the compliments and kindness that I know you wanted more than anything.

Now, I also want to say thank you. Thank you for your resilience, strength, courage, bravery, and perseverance.

Thank you for pushing me in ways that I have never been pushed, while also dealing with the push that my mind seemingly forced me to place upon you. Thank you for giving me legs that can walk and run, arms that can not only lift weights that I tell myself I have to lift, but also hug my family and friends with. Thank you for giving me hands to hold my boyfriend's hand with. Thank you for giving eyes, ears, and a mouth to take in the senses of this world and all the beauty it has to offer.

To be more specific, thank you for my thighs. Although they may be bigger than I tell myself they should be, they are strong, beautiful, and give me the strength to run miles and miles.

Thank you for my brain, my heart, my lungs, and my bones. Thank you for giving me a healthy body that may have its own challenges and flaws but can always persevere through them.

Thank you for my throat, which gives me the ability to speak and sing – two things that give me so much joy when I perform.

More than anything, thank you for surviving all of the pain, misery, exhaustion, and pressure that I put you through. Thank you for surviving those days where I pushed you to feats that were unfair. Thank you for surviving those days where I deprived you so heavily of food, nutrients, and drink.

We have been through everything together, and to say that I am grateful for everything you have done for me in this life is a massive understatement. I promise to dedicate more time to loving, cherishing and caring for you.

I'm sorry. And thank you.