FRANKLIN, OHIO - In a recent outburst of similar reports, it appears that the youth of America has begun a new, unique trend that, to quote local at-home mother Debra Wilson: "...is a homage to the traditions of a better, more united America."
"We began our dinner with an evening prayer, as usual, when my 9 year-old, Billy, interrupted the Hail Mary with a loud statement of 'Death to the Infidels.'" According to Debra, little Billy then proceeded to lecture, entirely in Latin, of the importance of re-conquering the Holy Land of Jerusalem from the hands of the "Saracens."
"After his speech, which brought tears to the eyes of his diabetic grandfather, I immediately hugged my boy. The way he described his plan to build a trebuchet by using the long division method he learned in his second-grade math class was a brilliant application of his studies. I was so proud, for I haven't heard of a dedication to our Lord Christ from our nation's youth since my mother was a little girl, back in the good ol' days when she couldn't vote."
But not all sources report of this trend as presenting a unifying front for our nation's youth. A recent story emerged last week from a small town in Ohio, which presents a not-so-pretty side to these claims of holy unification.
"It was a Saturday morning and the wife and I were both off of work. My oldest kid, my 7 year-old Tyler, was making some kind of stick formation in our back yard", says 35 year-old Samuel Roberts of Greenbeck, Ohio, "He starting piling these sticks on and on, like some of cone formation. He's always been such an imaginative kid, I thought he was just playing castles." From here, the story takes a darker turn.
"I turn away for two minutes to check in on my frozen dinner, and when I turn back to the window I see my little Tyler tying my 4 year-old daughter to the structure, which I have now learned was a 'stake', with matches in his hands. Turns out he was going to burn her! I mean, he's only joked about killing his friends 11 times, who would've thought?" Roberts then untied his daughter from the stake and confiscated the matches from Tyler, who was quoted as shouting "Deus Vult, infidel!"
"After yelling some phrase in, I dunno, Spanish maybe, Tyler pulls a mace out of nowhere and crashes through the screen door, running off into the cul-de-sac. I haven't seen him since." The only whereabouts of Tyler's location come from a number of reported trebuchets that seem to have popped up overnight within a three-mile radius of the small town, each one inscribed with "when ur gurl is a siege engine capable of launching 90 kilogram projectiles over 300 meters 😂😂👌."
