This year in Republican presidential politics has arguably been the most interesting of the modern era. We started out with one frontrunner and “inevitable” nominee, and we have ended up with a different one. This dog and pony show has been viewed through a very negative lens lately. That’s why I thought I would look at it a little bit differently. Fashion show anyone?
Donald Trump![]()
First up, we have our current frontrunner, and let me just say that this guy is something that the Next Top President judge panel has never seen before. With his vulgar style that includes crude jokes and statements that Politifact has called 100 percent true (9 percent of the time), this man has made quite an impression on the electorate. It is the opinion of the judges that his large, powerful hands and their corresponding “package” carrying ability that sets this candidate apart. Other than those exemplary attributes, Trump also possesses something a bit more unique – he can divide the Republican party, and bring it to its knees. Prior to this highly unusual primary, the Republican party’s majority in the House was considered secure until at least 2020, and the party believed it could hold onto the Senate was high; however, all that confidence went out the window with the arrival of The Donald.
Ted Cruz
Everyone’s favorite zodiac killer is here and he hopes to slay the other candidates just as he did his victims in the ‘60s. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas is the freshman senator who so graciously shuttered the government due to his opposition to the Affordable Care Act back 2013. Since then this man has continued to capture the imagination of the judging panel on account of his wardrobe made up almost entirely of ridiculous claims and hypocritical rhetoric. His current apparel is very fashionable at the moment, consisting of a two-piece garment made up of a divisive top and a scandalous bottom. The top appears to be sewn from a combination of law enforcement patrols and religious liberty violations (odd for a proclaimed constitutional scholar) while the bottom is made up of a multitude of women in a style reminiscent of JFK.
Other than strange outerwear, there is more to this candidate that makes him a strange rising star in the party. For one, we have seen him wearing a number of different graphic tees. They include his ambition to abolish the IRS; carpet bomb Syria and other ISIS-held territories; and one of the panel’s favorites – there is no evidence of global warming. All of these are either not possible to accomplish, or they just make no sense, but like all graphic tees, all that matters is that it looks good, not what it says.
John Kasich
Our third and final candidate to come before the panel is Ohio Governor John Kasich. No matter what many on the far-right say, Kasich is a tried and true conservative with the record to prove it. His recent attire incudes balancing the federal budget; anti-union activities manifesting in Ohio Senate Bill 5 back in 2011; and the recent signing of a state bill to defund Planned Parenthood. All that conservative pedigree means little to the far-right though for one reason, and one reason only – Kasich is relatively moderate.
During his time as Governor, he put on work gloves which is a style that this panel is very fond of for a couple of reasons. One, they keep your hands clean so you don’t have to clean out under your nails at night. And second, they show that this man has done something while in office. It’s a good thing he wore the gloves too because he had quite a bit of heavy lifting to do. He passed a Medicare expansion; added jobs to the Ohio economy; and worked to make the state generally prosperous. He is currently dressed in his usual sad, quiet hunch, and his dad’s suit which are about two sizes too large. We don’t care too much about his current attire, for he has proven that when in office he becomes a true master of his craft.
Honorable Mentions
Jeb Bush
Jeb Bush was the early favorite heading into this primary season, but he was thrown off his balance by the entrance of the Boisterous Brooklyn Blondie. With his massive war chest and all the GOPs major donors on his side, everything was looking great. The advertisements promised a polished and snazzily dressed candidate with his “Jeb!” moniker.
However, when the panel got a good look at this candidate, he was dressed in a drab shirt and bland slacks that looked like they were bought at a thrift store. Obviously, this style died out back in late 2014. Bush also accessorized more than other candidates. He was nicknamed the “Joyful Tortoise” due to his happy, slow campaigning method. Tortoises are known for their long life – they live long past one would think they should, and Bush managed to do the same by only pulling out long after he should have been declared dead.
Marco Rubio
Marco! Rubio! This young man was the crowd favorite once Jeb! began to fade, but he never captured people's imaginations. For the Republican Party he was the definition of a great candidate. With his young age and tailored suits made from Cuban heritage and an inspiring rags to riches story he seemed like a near perfect candidate. Unfortunately, he had many slip-ups and lacked the polish necessary to lead our nation. On top of all that, he was childish and inexperienced which the panel believes fits perfectly with him being referred to as “Little Marco."
