Let’s start by making it clear that my primary source for this article was the American Girl Wiki where I learned lots of fascinating things, like how Josefina doesn’t like goats and that Addy essentially had a fashion internship one summer. No UD groups or persons were intentionally roasted in the making of this clearly very important report. As you take off on your various summer adventures, let’s take a moment to discover which American Girl captures your on-campus essence. If none of these describe you, you can always turn to the look-a-like dolls (if your mom even let you get those - not that I’m bitter or anything).

1. Samantha Parkington

First off, we have everyone’s favorite Edwardian-era rich girl, Sam, whose whole thing is that she’s annoyed with her friend Nellie for being poor, mainly because she’s sheltered from the financial hardships many of us face, combined with the fact that she's super spoiled. Sam clearly got into UD because her super saucy ‘Grandmary’ is an alumni and she’s probably somehow related to Raymond L. Fitz. Samantha loves to know how things work and think, so she’d clearly be a Psychology major, despite not being all that in-touch with the harsh realities of the world. She’s the girl who didn’t know how to do the laundry prior to move-in weekend. Nellie definitely tutors her at the Learning Resource Center to make an extra buck, and Samantha realizes that a lot of people at our school actually require significant financial assistance to attend. Sam is the preppy girl who never ventures out of her private Caldwell apartment without her Kate Spade bag that she uses as a backpack. You know she’s also that member of HRL that has no chill and is a stickler for quiet hours. Sam is very into Sustainability Club, mostly so she can wear that outfit she has that is literally only for catching butterflies.

2. Josefina Montoya

My girl Josefina lived during the Mexican-American war, so she absolutely helps out at the Heritage Center, plus you know she totally vapes. She’s a daddy’s girl, so he’s definitely paying off those loans for her. Josie’s the girl whose three sisters also go to UD and can be seen hanging around the student neighborhood on any given Saturday taking fam pics. She’s also the token hair genius that everyone goes to for fun braids during formal season. She’s an International Studies major who’s great at keeping peace between friends, loves learning about foreigners, plus she’s trilingual. She's a fan of studying abroad, she supports her friends during intramural season come rain or shine, she waits in the two hour line to see On the Fly, and she even has the occasional artwork reflecting political frustrations of a generation featured on ArtStreet. Josefina is also super into helping people to heal, so she’s hopped on that Rescue Squad train despite not being a pre-med major – she does it because she’s actually just a really good person. Hoop earrings are her thing. Mostly because they can’t be removed.

3. Kit Kittridge

Everyone’s favorite fun-loving girl with that Kardashian double K (a smart change on her part considering her name used to be “Margaret Mildred") is an avid member of Alpha Phi, and is our resident hipster. Fond of sweater sets, and the OG purveyor of the pixie cut, Kit is the girl in your dorm with a vintage record player that keeps everyone up because she has to listen to Crosby, Stills & Nash in order focus on her homework. She’s the girl from Cincinnati who’s always talking about Skyline and how cool their Botanical Gardens are. An obvious choice for Comm major, she is both an avid fan of trivia nights at Fieldhouse and of updating her social media platform. Kit writes ‘breaking news’ for Flyer News that isn’t actually breaking news, it’s really just that the bookstore has a new line of distressed caps or that there’s a new development in the reconstruction of KU.

4. Molly McIntire

If you’ve ever read the books on this Scottish babe, you’d know that everything she does is to get attention. So she's naturally in charge of everything – head of CAB, runs for president of SGA, head of Life Itself dance team, sells coffee in the Blend, on exec for Red Scare, and is president of the Phi Alpha Delta pre-law professional fraternity. She’s a Criminal Justice major, because according to Wiki, she’s a great speaker, a self proclaimed ‘schemer,’ a born leader, and she’s super good at getting into arguments and winning them, even though her harsh exterior is brought on by her insecurities about her hair. She also hates turnips. And just like when Dorinda wins team captain over her in “Molly Saves the Day,” she loses her mind when she becomes disqualified from the SGA running.

5. Addy Walker

Everyone’s favorite nine-year-old to escape slavery, you know Addy (whose real name is Aduke?) is a total civil rights activist. She wears that blue Consciousness Rising shirt and actually knows what it means, does a candlelit walk through the neighborhood for Take Back the Night, and she was in charge of Hillary’s on-campus campaign. Addy organizes Black Lives Matter rallies, and has walked in five Pride parades. She also literally taught herself how to write, and then went on to teach her friend Sarah since she couldn’t afford to go to school, so there’s no way she doesn’t works for The Write Place. A Human Rights major, Addy is all about equality for all, questioning the status quo, and resilience in the face of adversity. She’s super into fashion from her time working in Mrs. Ford’s dress shop, so she’s the girl whose effortless style we all envy but could never truly achieve. She’s also known for her Sweet Potato Pudding, so she’s got that going for her, which is nice.

6. Kirsten Larson

A clear candidate for middle childhood education, this Swedish foreign exchange student is reason number one why immigration is awesome. She’s from Sweden, but she’s still an AMERICAN GIRL. Okay, digression over. She runs Christmas on Campus because, have you ever seen her Christmas outfit? It’s pretty wack. No one this side of the Atlantic is that stoked about Christmas. A big proponent of farm work, Kirsten’s summer internship is on a pig farm. If you think that sounds strange, I assure you, loads of people still do it, because SOS, we live in the Midwest. She also gives Josefina a run for her money in the braiding department. I mean, who really puts that much effort into their hair on a daily basis? I know if I had lived in the Pioneer Age, Princess Leia would probably be my hair guru too, but us mere mortals are lucky if we can even get some dry shampoo up in there, am I right ladies? A fan of Club 6, pottery classes on second floor Fitz, and sitting on benches in the middle of the day when she has nothing else to do - probably in Serenity Pines.

7. Caroline Abbott

Well first of all I had never even heard of Caroline prior to this extensive research article, so she’s definitely that girl that blends into the crowd. She’s an only child who, even though she lives in a log cabin, was totally able to afford UD prices. She has terrible FOMO, insecurity issues – but who wouldn’t with roommates like Lydia and Rhonda, and some serious problems with jealousy. American Girl Wiki describes her as flighty, sensitive, easily offended, and foolish. Basically, she’s that girl who keeps off and on dating the same guy for six years and her friends are pretty much at the point of feeling worse for the guy than for her. To her credit, she is living through the War of 1812. She could see herself working well with others because she’s apparently really good at reading emotions. The real reason she got into UD is because she’s a killer rower from all those years of practicing aquatic sports on Lake Ontario. Caroline is an English major, mostly because she has no clue of what she wants to do with her life. After taking the English 200H class on Buffy, she found herself wanting to be more empowered through writing (when in actuality, she’s really being empowered through Netflix).

8. Felicity Merriman

She’s the girl who is involved in all things Campus Ministry. Felicity is a good little Irish Catholic who went on New Beginnings, which led her to realize her calling for hanging out with people in the woods while they talk to God and cry about their moms. So she went on to lead Road Less Travelled and Lighthouse. An avid volunteer with The Fitz Center, she once got an old drunk dude named Jiggy Nye to quit drinking. She plans on taking a year of service post grad. She’s a Eucharistic minister, spent a summer in India working with nuns, and has gone with Global Brigades to Nicaragua to build sustainable stuff. She’s that tomboy who says she ‘doesn’t get along with girls.’ But to be fair, girls really only did needlepoint during the Revolutionary War, so who can really blame her. A mechanical engineering major, Felicity loves thinking outside the box and doing things not proper of a ‘lady.’ You go Felicity. Change those gender confining roles.

9. Rebecca Rubin

She starts out as a theatre major, and totally thinks she’s super talented, but soon realizes she would probably never make it in reality. She’s apparently good at “business and making money,” so can you say stereotype? Bye Becky. You fall within the confines our society as placed upon you as a Jewish woman. But nonetheless, you can be a math major because it’s clear that you’re into that. She also speaks Russian, which is pretty clutch. She lives in landlord housing on Jasper because she “doesn’t have enough time for Path Points” and because her friends ditched her in housing. Catch her at Valley Thrift making affordable choices that also make her look vaguely military-esque; there’s a good chance she’s in ROTC. Becks loves the spotlight, so you know she’s all about those acoustic covers at Thursday Night Live.

10. Julie Albright

So first of all she was born in 1966, so Julie is literally still alive - let's let that sink in. She attends Coachella and Bonnaroo, is on the Campus Concert Committee, plus she serves as the president of Dayton2Daytona. A Women’s Studies major, Julie is what you might call a hippie, but she’s also known for ‘fits of despair,’ so I hope she’s using our awesome counseling center. It’s in Gosiger Hall. Go there. She takes art classes for fun and is a total Taurus. She dreams of being the President of the United States someday, so I’m pretty sure she’s the one who beat Molly out in SGA. She loves her Detective Fiction class, decorating her Stonemill duplex with Beatles posters, and playing intramural basketball. She’s definitely involved with 4 Paws for Ability because she literally has three different dog sets in her weirdly extensive collection.

11. Maryellen Larkin

A marketing major, this Pleasantville-esque nightmare of a person, Maryellen, works for Flyer TV. She used to have polio, so you know she’s about to be on top of making our campus more handicap accessible. I mean, we have like two accessible buildings and we don’t give accessible housing to the handicapped unless they have enough Path Points. Like come on UD, let’s get it together. She is super into television, so Netflix and Chill is her MO. Although, she has been very specific about not liking heroes with magic or super powers, so ask her about what she thought of the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie. She’d likely say the concept of baby trees is ridiculous and we'd all probably hate her.

12 & 13. Cecile Rey and Marie-Grace Gardner

These two are those two best friend music majors who are inseparable. They just live in their little music major world where they have no time to interact with anyone but each other. They’re both working on their B.A. in Jazz Studies, and are actually from NOLA where they’re in well-to-do families that can afford to let their children go into the arts. Both are voice majors – they even take private lessons, probably from Dr. D-C. Big fans of traveling, they’ve both spent a semester abroad in France. Also, Marie-Grace’s nickname is TI-Marie, which is probably referring to the fact that she's a Tim's Rat.