I find that, more often than not, I am harder on myself than others. I have a little voice in my head that is constantly putting me down; she tells me I'm not pretty enough, that I'm never going to be smart enough, that i'm not creative enough and that I don't have the courage or to put it in her words, the balls, to do what I really want to do. This voice never really goes away, but sometimes she'll disappear just long enough for me to be able to breathe. I take a deep breath in, realize how lucky I am to be where I am, how blessed I am to have the opportunities that I have each morning that I wake up. But this deep breath is only temporary, and soon, that little voice in my head will return and make me feel all sorts of things that I shouldn't.

I'm not one to bottle my emotions inside, but I don't always let them out. Sometimes I don't want to deal with what I am feeling, and most of the time, I don't really know how to deal with them. I think that ignoring my problems or feelings until they go away or are nonexistent is the way to go but think about this: if you leave a gallon of milk in your fridge far past the expiration date, the only way that awful smell will go away is if you make the conscious decision to throw it away.

I've always said that it's both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply, but damn is that the truth. To feel the sharp pain in your chest, the sinking of your stomach, the lump in the back of your throat when you're fighting off tears; to feel the butterflies in your tummy, the warmth of a smile, the deepness of his touch. Whether it's a feeling caused by someone hurting you, or someone loving, whether it's caused by a sad song on the radio or a romantic scene in the movie, whether it's a happy moment of celebration, or the honoring of those passed; to be able to feel anything, in any light, is amazing.

When I get sad or feel something other than happiness, I tend to shove those feelings away. I push them aside and decide that I'm not going to feel that way. But this isn't always healthy; it's not normal to not feel sad, or anxious, or angry. A lot of the times when I get worked up over something, it's usually something small. But I get really upset about it; I sulk for days, I shut people out. Sometimes those close to me tell me that I shouldn't feel the way I'm feeling, that what happened is not that big of a deal. They tell me I'm overreacting and over thinking it. But what they don't understand when they tell me this, is that they're only making me feel worse inside. They are telling me that my feelings aren't valid, that I shouldn't feel the way I am feeling, that i'm not allowed to be upset. But why not? Why can't I just feel what I am feeling?

On the other side of the spectrum are feelings of joy. When I get feelings of happiness or gratitude, I feel like I am on top of the world. Everything looks a little brighter, people smile bigger, the sun shines just a little longer. Because I do feel everything so deeply and so intense, I've started practicing being more grateful for what I do have and where I am, versus what I don't have or where I am not. Though I may be sad over something that has happened, I am still alive, I am still waking up every morning forever grateful that I have another day to be me.

I know it's hard sometimes to admit that you're not okay. You don't want to seem weak; you don't want to let someone in and give them the power of knowing how you truly feel. We are scared to let them in in fear of them using our feelings against us or belittling us. It's normal for this to happen, but it's not normal to pretend like you don't have feelings. It's not normal to shut every person out of your life because you're worried they won't look at you the same. Feelings are feelings, and they need to be felt.

It's okay to feel. It's okay to not be okay and it's okay to admit that you're not okay. We live in a world today where people hide their true feelings; we portray ourselves as always happy, we are always smiling. We mask our true feelings with bad habits; we go out every night to drink the pain away, we find pleasure in false love and hope. But what we should be doing is feeling our sadness, our pain, our joy, our anger, our happiness. We should feel everything that comes our way and let it make us into the people we are meant to be.

And we shouldn't be afraid to ask for help. We shouldn't be afraid to let someone know that we need them, that we need to just be held, or listened to. We shouldn't be afraid of our feelings, we should embrace them.

Maybe if everyone felt how they really did, and acted on these feelings rather than hide them, we wouldn't be so damn sad and depressed. We would find the peace and joy in one another. We would be happy. Or at least, that's what I think.