For those of you who do not know me, I am a thinker. As of late I have been thinking about my faith and how faithful of a follower I am…or how faithful everyone else is. I know it is none of my business, but hey, I am curious.
Let me start by saying I am not a good Christian.
You must let me explain, before you start jumping to conclusions.
I am not trying to beg for pity nor am I fishing for compliments.
I am only speaking on what I see as the truth.
23 Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me. Luke 9:23 NLT
I cannot speak for you,
but for me, I don’t always pick up my cross.
When it comes to picking up my cross, I am like a divorced dad,
and the cross is my child that I will only pick up when I feel like it
or when it’s my “weekend.”
So, do I really follow Christ?
Maybe I do follow him?
Sometimes.
Maybe I don’t?
Whether I do or not,
I need to work on it;
because, following Christ isn’t as easy as hitting “Follow”
on Twitter and Instagram.
19 You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. 20 How foolish! Can’t you see that faith without good deeds is useless? James 2:19-20 NLT
From my actions
I am not sure if you could say that I have faith.
If I do have faith, my actions may not show that my faith is in God.
They probably show that my faith is in something else:
maybe in myself
or in my friends.
Wherever my faith is
or whatever my faith is in,
I know it isn’t in the right thing.
32 If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them!
Luke 6:32 NLT
There’s nothing better than reading the Bible
and realizing how crappy of a follower you are.
Honestly, I am so selfish with my love.
I do not love my enemies.
Shoot, I don’t know if I even love all my neighbors,
nor do I love everyone who loves me.
As a so-called “Follower of Christ” I am not doing a great job of loving.
Even though my actions do not show it,
I believe the best way to share Christ with someone
is to just show them genuine love.
And clearly I am not doing my job.
18 Jesus came and told his disciples, “I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. 19 Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. 20 Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:18-20 NLT
These words from Jesus stick with me the most.
He asks us to spread his word and make disciples in his name.
Sadly, I cannot even talk to a stranger to borrow a pen in class,
but God wants me to bring strangers to him.
Talk about stressful.
I mean, even when I am in church I have a hard time talking to other followers.
It is as if I am so nervous that all my insecurities come out.
What if I say the wrong thing?
What if I somehow tell them something completely dumb?
You must admit:
making disciples is a whole lot harder than expected.
It is also terrifying.
We all have faults, and sinning is inevitable,
but I hate that I have such a sinful nature.
I want my faith to be more than just Facebook and Instagram posts;
I would like to represent God by the way I live my life.
Who would have thought being a follower of Christ would be so hard?
I know I didn’t,
and sometimes I just do not feel like being Christ’s follower,
because living in this sinful world makes living a righteous life exhausting.
I do not think it is possible to be a good Christian.
I am sure that there are good Christians.
So, I guess what I mean to say is, maybe I am not a good Christian,
and maybe I may not ever be.
Even though I may not be an acceptable follower in my own eyes,
at least I know God accepts me and loves me when I cannot.
But sadly, I do not always believe that.
Sometimes I let my pride get the best of me,
and think that I have to earn God’s love.
But any follower knows that we are recipients of his grace.
8 God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. 9 Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. Ephesians 2:8-9 NLT
So, I do not know how you see yourself.
I know I am not that great of a follower.
I am not even a good one,
but at least I know and accept my faults.
I do not plan on staying just a good follower.
I will do something about it.
I know that God will always see me as good enough,
but I hope to one day say,
“God, I know I am not the best, but I am better than I used to be. I know I do not deserve your grace because of how sinful I am. Thank you for your blessings and your endless love for me. Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself. Thank you for watching over me when I strayed away from your arms.”
Do you ever ask yourself,
“Am I a good Christian?”
or
Do you try not to think about it
because you’re scared of what the answer might be?
