I’m about to become the first person in my family to graduate from a college with a bachelor’s degree, never mind a relatively prestigious private liberal arts school. My mother never failed to remind me how remarkable it was, or how proud of me she was for it. But it took me a while to fully understand what she meant.

My whole entire life I dreamt about college, it was what I had always planned on doing. I couldn’t imagine myself doing anything else. So when people consistently told me in high school that I should be proud of what I was doing and where I was going, I didn’t get it. It’s what I had always anticipated, it’s what most of my classmates we’re doing. So why was it so remarkable that a student like me was doing it?

It took me actually going to college to fully understand what an achievement this was for me. Once the newness wore off, and the excitement died down, and we all settled in and actually started getting to know each other and the university, I finally realized: there’s no one here like me.

I’m not naïve enough to believe that there was literally NO ONE here like me, but those people were so far and few between that it often felt like it. My experiences at my private university, while wonderful, we’re also very hard and isolating at points. Don’t get me wrong, I am very fortunate for being able to have the experience when I know so many others who were not so lucky. And I do not wish to condemn the private universities for not being more supporting and understanding of first-generation college students. Nor do I wish to sound bitter about all the children like me that were left behind, but purely to inform people, educate people, of what it’s like. I’m attempting to share the gaps, the mixed emotions, and the hard situations, that I experienced as a first generation college student at a private institution.

1. You feel like you’ve missed out on culture.

When you start talking to other students and getting to know their home life you feel like you’ve missed out on a certain kind of culture. Students are talking about all these complex discussions they’ve had with their parents, and the books they’ve read, and places they’ve visited. Most of the time it’s stuff you’ve never heard of, and places you’d never even imagine being able to afford to visit. In classes your professors will mention some piece of writing, or person, you’ve never heard of but everyone else in the room seems to nod their head like they know. You soon realize that these students come from a different class -- which, duh, you knew. But what you didn’t know is it entails so much more than money, because with money comes different experiences. And you sadly, you weren’t gifted with the same experiences and opportunities. Often times in college you’re playing catch up trying to learn what these students have known and been exposed to their whole life. It’s like you’ve missed out on their entire culture, and have to work harder in order to succeed as much as them, or at least be on the same level playing fields. It makes connecting with students more difficult when you have no idea of the kind of life they live, and don’t know half the stuff they know. I’ve spent a lot of my cafeteria conversations nodding my head as if I had any clue what the people around me we’re talking about, and attempting to keep up and educate myself on their conversations. What I learned is that I’ll never catch up, and that’s okay. I needed to learn that I did not have to be a part of their culture to succeed and that I could get to the same places in my own way. It just took me a long time to get to that realization.

2. It's overwhelming when you realize how alone you are.

When you start to realize you’re having a difficult time connecting with other students because they’re so different from you, you start to realize how alone you are. It was different when you were back home because everyone came from the same area, even if they weren’t in the same SES status. But when you get to college you realize there are hardly any students there like you. This can be difficult to come to terms with, and find where you fit in the university. Which makes it a pretty overwhelming and isolating experience at times.

3. You’re private about your home life.

You learn not to talk about your home life much because people just don’t get it. They lived such a different lifestyle than you that they just have no idea what your life has been like. It’s not their fault, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. But it’s difficult to talk about your home life when someone has no understanding, and can’t easily connect with you over it. It can also lead to some pretty difficult and awkward conversations when you do open up. Which can be a good thing, because you’re exposing them to different backgrounds, and different perspectives. But it can also be very draining, and take an emotional toll on you. So most of the time it’s easier just to stay quiet about your home life and keep it private.

4. Sometimes you're a little embarrassed by where you came from.

Because other students don’t understand your home life, and can’t connect with you on it, you can be embarrassed by your family and where you came from. You see all these classy educated families with their nice clothes and cars, and it’s hard not to feel uncomfortable. Even harder when their parents sound so educated, and your parents lack the same culture. It can cause you to feel uncomfortable when your family comes to visit, or when people ask about your personal life. It’s not like you’re ashamed of them, or don’t love them. You just don’t want people’s perceptions of you to change, and you don’t want them to think any less of you because of the stereotypes they might have. No one likes to be judged, and in places like this, it’s pretty easy to feel judged based on your background and family type.

5. You have to ask the administration for help because your parents have no clue.

Almost all the kids I know at school had their parents handle everything. The bills, FAFSA, moving in, getting college supplies, talking to the administration about technical issues. Their parents just knew what to do and took care of it, reducing the stress in their children’s lives dramatically. But my family had no clue how any of the college systems worked. This left me in charge of handling every single aspect of it, on my own. This meant I had to ask the administration, and any resources available for help, because I didn’t know what I was doing. But it also put me in a vulnerable position because if someone told me the wrong information there wasn’t any way I could possibly know that, and there weren’t any reinforcements I could call in to back me up or help me out. I was on my own when it came to navigating the college system, and it caused a lot of stress and put a lot of pressure on me.

6. You have to explain everything to family and friends.

My family and friends had no clue about how the college system worked, not a single inkling. I had to explain every aspect of it to them - from when breaks were, to what college supplies I’d need, and what dorm rules there were, to what classes were like. They just didn’t have a clue. And this made me very impatient and annoyed at times, that I had to explain the entire system to them, while all my friend’s family and friends just knew. I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn’t my loved one’s faults that they didn’t know, and they were just curious on what was going on in my life and how things worked. I had to learn to not punish them for something that wasn’t inherently their fault.

7. People at home think you're better than them.

Once you start getting your “fancy” education and experiencing all these new things, and places, people at home start to get really bitter. They start to think that you’re acting like you’re better than them. This can be a difficult line to walk because you want to share what’s going on in your life and you’re excited about all the things you’re experiencing, but you don’t want to rub it in their faces. And you certainly don’t want to give them the impression that you look down on them for not having the same opportunities as you. The reality is you’re going to lose some friends over it, and you have to learn to live with that and let it go. The friends that are truly happy for you and what you’re accomplishing will get over this feeling and stick around, and that’s all that matters.

8. It's like straddling two different worlds you'll never fully be a part of.

Seriously. If there was one theme I would have to pick about being a first generation college student, this one would be it. It’s like you can’t quite fit in with the people at school because they just don’t understand and can’t connect with you on your home life, and they’re a part of a different culture you’ll never really be a part of. And you can’t quite fit in with the people at home anymore because you’ve learned so much, and of course, that’s going to change you and make you grow as a person – a lot. But your loved ones aren’t receiving that same education, which means they’re not changing in the same ways. Which means you can’t connect with them in the same ways that you used to. That leaves you somewhere in between unable to quite fit anywhere, and being very aware of it. This causes feelings of isolation quite often.

9. You feel like you have to educate others.

Your family and friends aren’t receiving the same education as you are. But you’re learning so many life changing things and you love your family and want them to share your experiences and learn all the things that you’ve learned. This leads you to feel like you have to educate your loved ones on all the things that you’re doing. You feel like you have to share the education and opportunities that you were fortunate enough to receive. But this isn’t your responsibility, and it often time leads to what was previously mentioned, everyone thinks you now think you’re better than them. But in reality, it’s coming from a place of guilt and love, and sometimes it’s hard to realize when to educate others and when to let go and move on.

10. You try to set an example for others.

You’re the first person in your family to go to a private institution, and this can cause you to feel like you have to set an example for the younger children. Like you have to show them how far someone in your family can go if they really apply themselves. This can lead you to be an incredibly driven accomplished person, which is great. But this also creates a lot of pressure on you. Your whole family looks up to you because you’re the first one to make it this far, which means they’re all counting on you to succeed. And if you don’t succeed as well as you hoped this can cause you to feel like a failure or like you didn’t do well enough. Which is a lot of pressure for a young person to experience.

11. You feel more prepared for real life.

Let’s be real here. You’ve watched your friend’s parents do everything for them, give them grocery money, cook for them, contact administration for them, pay their bills, get them interviews, etc. You’ve had to do things for yourself your whole life, not even just in college. This makes the little everyday stuff that “adulting” entails feel easy and normal to you because you’ve done them your whole life. Sure there was a point in your life were you worried about it, but you’ve been doing it so long now you’ve grown accustomed to it. You feel more prepared for the adult world, because while your friends are just now figuring things out, you’ve already got them on lock.

12. You appreciate the college experience.

You appreciate your college experience in different ways than the typical student because unlike them you truly know what your life would be like if you weren’t fortunate enough to have this opportunity. You have plenty of friends that weren’t able to make it this far, and you’ve seen how much your parents have struggled. Your friend’s friends and parents all went to college, and for them, it’s the normal thing to do. But for you, it’s something unique and special. This makes you more likely to be motivated to get as much out of your education as you can because you see the value in it. It makes you more likely to take advantage of all the resources your school offers because you feel lucky enough to have them offered to you (and for free, for that matter).

13. You learn to appreciate where you came from.

Although at some points you might be embarrassed by your family and where you came from, you eventually learn to appreciate it. You begin to realize how it’s given you such a different perspective on life, and has helped you not only gain some real life skills but allowed you to take on the world differently than your peers might. You realize that where you came from is what got you here, and you wouldn’t change that for the world. Yes, at some points it can be difficult, but in the end, it seems worth it.

14. You understand how lucky you are.

As you go through your college years and slowly watch other students drop out or transfer because they can’t afford to stay, or deal with the pressure, and as you watch your friends that never even made it this far struggle or take wrong turns in life, you start to truly understand how lucky you are. You are lucky that you were given this opportunity because it’s changed your life so much, and for the better. And you realize that not everyone is as lucky as you, many students have barriers that inhibit them from having this same experience, students that are just as deserving and as smart as you are. You realize why others didn’t make it this far, and all the things that could have stopped you from getting here too - and yet they didn’t. You begin to feel grateful that you were one of the lucky few.

15. You wish others like you had the same opportunity.

Once you realize how lucky you are, and how many other people will never make it to where you are, you begin to wish that this opportunity was available to everyone. You wish that everyone could afford to experience what you have, and learn all the life-changing things you did. You wish that the “first generation” and “first generation problems” didn’t even have to exist, because if someone wants and is deserving of a good education they should be able to obtain it. There shouldn’t be so many barriers that inhibit students like you.

16. You're proud of yourself.

Once you realize how far you’ve come, how much you’ve accomplished, and how hard you had to work to get there, you begin to feel proud of yourself. You begin to realize that your family and all those people in high school who said you were doing a remarkable thing, were right. You realize that the college system was not set up for students like you, but here you are. You did it, you made it. And that’s an achievement in and of itself. You’re doing what no one in your family had the opportunity to do before, and that’s something to be proud of. There’s no shame in being proud of yourself for it either. Many of your peers may dismiss it as a big achievement, because it’s something everyone in their family has done, it’s what’s expected of them. But not you! You did something that was never expected of you, something many may have even doubted you’d be able to do. So go ahead, be proud of yourself. You deserve it!

As I prepare for graduating in the fall, I can’t help but think back on all the students that have disappeared along the way, and all the students that never even had a chance. I can’t help but to think how this isolation I feel should not exist, that students like me should be widely accepted and supported. A student’s financial status and what they can contribute to a university should not inhibit their success and opportunities. I realize that the higher education system is stacked against students like me, and it takes a lot of hard work, determination, and someone believing in you to get where I am today. I wish this was not the case. I wish that money wasn’t such a huge factor when it came to receiving a good education.

Many of my more “economically stable peers” have grown dull to how special and privileged the college experience is. Many of them do not realize how hard it is for students like me to do well in these environments. Not just financially, and academically, but socially and emotionally. They live in unknowing ignorance to my struggles, to the struggles that many students like me face. They do not realize how lucky and privileged they are, and how easy it is to be stuck on the other side, to be stuck without an opportunity because no one believed in your worth.

I am proud of how far I have come, and how far so many people like me have come. I realize how unique we are, how hard we have fought, and the determination and struggles we have experienced do not go unnoticed or unrecognized. I am here to tell you, you have made it farther than anyone expected, then anyone told you would, then life made you feel like you would - and I am proud of you. Keep fighting, keep learning, keep pushing into this world that so many people told us we didn’t belong in.