After reading Amanda Sankey's article "I Am Not A Feminist, And That Is Okay," I reflected on my own feminist beliefs for a while. Have feminists truly reduced the definition of our movement to "anti-nurturing, anti-stay-at-home moms, and anti-marriage?"

That's when I realized that I needed to write this letter.

Amanda,

I am apologizing on behalf of any feminist who you have encountered who caused you to believe what you believe about feminism. Either they did not explain it thoroughly enough or you did not listen closely enough. Regardless, I am sorry because I think if you researched feminism in its entirety, you would be a remarkable asset to this movement.

I'm glad you're all for equal pay, but you said that that was focused on in first-wave feminism. It is an essential part of this "fourth-wave" feminist movement, as well. As of 2014, white female full-time workers made only 79 cents for every dollar earned by a man. Women of color made even less than that. The fight for equal pay is not over.

"Why are women considered the more domestic and nurturing ones?"

The reasoning behind this is simple: gender roles. Think about it—women are handed baby dolls, carriages, and Easy-Bake ovens to play with as children (suggesting nurturing and domestic behaviors) while men are handed superhero action figures and toy soldiers (suggesting protective behaviors). When girls (or women) cry, it is seen as socially acceptable, but if boys (or men) do, it is seen as a sign of weakness or being "unmanly." We, as a society, have adapted to the gender roles and social norms of women being nurturing and men being protecting. It is not because we carry children in our bodies for nine months—fathers are just as nurturing and compassionate toward their children as mothers are. Feminists are simply saying that if a little boy wants to play with a Barbie doll or a little girl wants to play with a Captain America action figure, it is OK. Men are allowed to be vulnerable and women are allowed to be tough.

In addition, saying that women are nurturing because we carry children for nine months excludes several groups: transgender women, same-sex couples (men or women), and women who can't or don't want to carry children. Transgender women may not be "genetically" born as women, but that doesn't mean that they aren't just as nurturing and caring towards their children. The same goes for same-sex couples—they may not be physically capable of carrying a child, but they're still nurturing and caring towards their children too. Lastly, the women who don't want to or can't carry children are often viewed as inadequate in society, which, again, is not true. Nurture and care are defined by values and character, not the ability to bear children.

You also missed an essential part of feminism in your argument. It is about more than gender equality, although that is one of the main goals. Feminism is also about female empowerment—making sure that all women can choose the paths that they want to take without the discrimination of others.

I am a feminist and it is OK to be a stay-at-home mom. It is OK to like cooking. It is OK to take care of your husband and children. It is OK to want your boyfriend to ask for your father's blessing before proposing to you. It is OK to take his last name. Feminists would have you believe these things.

It is also OK to not want to get married or have kids. It is OK to hate cooking. It is OK to not expect your boyfriend to ask for your father's permission to marry you. It is OK to keep your last name. It is OK to do any combination of these things.

"You are not called to submit to any man but your husband." You had me until the stipulation of "but your husband." Submit (verb): to give over or yield to the power or authority of another. I am unsure if you truly meant the word "submit" in this context. Submission implies that you are less than your husband and you stated previously that women are not lower than men. You do not submit to him and if a wife is submissive to her husband, she is in the wrong relationship. Women are just as powerful and as strong as men. If we disagree with a man, we should never submit to them simply because of gender or, for argument's sake, marriage.

There is a difference between submission and compromise, though. It is OK to make sacrifices and compromise various aspects of your life because you want to include your husband. That is entirely different than submitting to him.

That goes for men too! You do not have to submit to women! We are supposed to be equals!

You say that you believe that the man is the provider, protector, and leader of his family and you don't understand why feminists want to take that pressure on. Again, it boils down to gender roles. All feminists are trying to say is that if they want to be the leader, it is OK. It is also OK to have the man be the leader. It is OK for this to be an equal role.

I hope that I have enlightened you a little more on the definition of feminism. As a feminist, I want both men and women to have the right to express how they want to live. I respect your right to want to be a mom who takes care of her children. I respect your right to not want the power that men are assumed to have. All that I ask is that you respect my (and others') right to not want those things. That is feminism.

Sincerely,

Kara