What It's Like To Be Persistently Nauseous

What It's Like To Be Persistently Nauseous

I'm so used to throwing up, it's sad.

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I'm envious of people who rarely throw-up. I've vomited so many times in my life it's impossible to count. And I've thrown up everything imaginable: from Chinese food, to plain spaghetti, to movie theater popcorn. I hated vomiting when I was younger. It would make me cry and I dreaded it. I remember throwing up my favorite fruit drink as a kid and not drinking it again for months. Now, getting sick is just a relief from stomach pain.

My first year of college, I threw up often, and not from drinking. Just any kind of normal food could trigger it. It got worse as the years went on. Junior year, in particular, I started skipping class pretty regularly because I would just get an upset stomach and wind up throwing up. It got to the point that my academic standing was in jeopardy. If I didn't meet the attendance requirements, I would not pass my classes. But the severe pain prevented me from being able to sit in class. I spent many hours laying on the cold tile of the bathroom floor in my apartment crying until I could empty my stomach contents and feel a bit better. That was the year I decided to see a doctor about what was going on.

I set up meetings with several professors and let them know I was missing class because of vomiting. I didn't have doctor notes for my sick days because there's no need to go to a doctor just because you're throwing up. Luckily, my professors worked out things with me and I was able to get through the year. Unfortunately, the doctor couldn't pinpoint what was causing my constant vomiting and nausea. I thought there could be a serious problem or perhaps a food allergy. She asked me to keep a food diary and log each time I threw up and to return after a month.

When I went back, it was very clear that there wasn't a specific food trigger. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and given a pill to take. It didn't really help, so I stopped taking it. Even though I used to hate throwing up, it's gotten to the point where it just makes me feel better. I've thrown up SO many different foods, it's hard to say which is the worst. Popcorn, salad, spaghetti, Doritos, hamburgers; they are all bad. I sometimes regret spending money on food because it'll just make me sick after, such as when my boyfriend and I ate at the Hard Rock Cafe in Orlando and I spent the rest of the night getting sick in our hotel. I've thrown up on myself twice while driving. I've gotten sick at home, but I have also been sick in restaurants, hotels, and other people's houses.

I intend to continue investigating what is wrong with my body. Lately, I haven't thrown up as much as I have in the past, but I still get frequent upset stomachs. I can usually tell I'm going to throw up now when I start feeling really hot and the stomachache is paired with a headache. Throwing up constantly has led me to be fearful and cautious about food. I even tried being vegetarian for two years to see if a different diet would help my digestion. My favorite foods are not food at all; I like protein smoothies the most because it's gentle on my stomach. My issues with nausea have interfered in the past with school. It's also just painful and uncomfortable. It may sound like I have an eating disorder, but I truly do not know why I have these constant issues, but I hope to understand one day.

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Everything You Will Miss If You Commit Suicide

The world needs you.
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You won’t see the sunrise or have your favorite breakfast in the morning.

Instead, your family will mourn the sunrise because it means another day without you.

You will never stay up late talking to your friends or have a bonfire on a summer night.

You won’t laugh until you cry again, or dance around and be silly.

You won’t go on another adventure. You won't drive around under the moonlight and stars.

They’ll miss you. They’ll cry.

You won’t fight with your siblings only to make up minutes later and laugh about it.

You won’t get to interrogate your sister's fiancé when the time comes.

You won’t be there to wipe away your mother’s tears when she finds out that you’re gone.

You won’t be able to hug the ones that love you while they’re waiting to wake up from the nightmare that had become their reality.

You won’t be at your grandparents funeral, speaking about the good things they did in their life.

Instead, they will be at yours.

You won’t find your purpose in life, the love of your life, get married or raise a family.

You won’t celebrate another Christmas, Easter or birthday.

You won’t turn another year older.

You will never see the places you’ve always dreamed of seeing.

You will not allow yourself the opportunity to get help.

This will be the last sunset you see.

You’ll never see the sky change from a bright blue to purples, pinks, oranges and yellows meshing together over the landscape again.

If the light has left your eyes and all you see is the darkness, know that it can get better. Let yourself get better.

This is what you will miss if you leave the world today.

This is who will care about you when you are gone.

You can change lives. But I hope it’s not at the expense of yours.

We care. People care.

Don’t let today be the end.

You don’t have to live forever sad. You can be happy. It’s not wrong to ask for help.

Thank you for staying. Thank you for fighting.

Suicide is a real problem that no one wants to talk about. I’m sure you’re no different. But we need to talk about it. There is no difference between being suicidal and committing suicide. If someone tells you they want to kill themselves, do not think they won’t do it. Do not just tell them, “Oh you’ll be fine.” Because when they aren’t, you will wonder what you could have done to help. Sit with them however long you need to and tell them it will get better. Talk to them about their problems and tell them there is help. Be the help. Get them assistance. Remind them of all the things they will miss in life.

For help, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Cover Image Credit: Brittani Norman

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Most Incoming Freshmen Are Only Worried About Making Friends, But I'm Worried About When To Tell My New Friends About My Disability

I shouldn't have to worry about if people are going to accept me for something I can't control.

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Going to college is a big change for anyone and it's a difficult time for a lot of us. It is hard enough being an incoming freshman at a new school, let alone a freshman with a disability.

I never knew how much extra stuff I had to do in order to be able to get the accommodations I need plus all the typical college duties a student has on their plate. I had to fill out an online application to prove my disability, a learning accommodations form, an accommodations form, a Vocational Rehab form, a transportation form, plus the millions of other forms you have to fill out in order to become a student at any college.

It took three hours... It was very overwhelming. And I had to talk to a lot of people about the million forms I filled out without my parents' help.

"Welcome to adulthood," they said.

It happened in the blink of an eye. Besides all the forms, choosing roommates is harder than I thought it was going to be. It's something that most people find nerve-wracking. I have the challenge of not only trying to meet new people in an unfamiliar environment like everyone else but in hopes of being accepted by my peers because of my disability.

At what point do I tell people about my disability? Do I tell them when we are getting to know each other or when we are going to meet up? That's probably the thing I am scared the most about.

I have heard that college students are more accepting of disabilities than most high schoolers, which puts me at ease a little bit.

But people can be really cruel, no matter what age.

I am also realizing as I go through the roommate process that students are not properly informed on disabilities and how to treat others with disabilities. I shouldn't have to worry about if people are going to accept me for something I can't control. Students should be nice and accept people of all different abilities. But it's easier said than done.

Another thing, trying to find a job that will be accommodable to me has been difficult. It seems so easy for a typical college student to get a job, but not me. I have spent the last six months applying for jobs just to hear nothing back from businesses. All I want to do is earn money like everyone else to try and go to college.

That's one of the reasons I applied to Vocational Rehab is to potentially get money monthly in order to suffice a job for now or at least to keep me on my toes for a little bit.

There's that... then there is the typical college student stuff housing, dining, medical forms, transcripts, and student sport passes... It is just a lot for one 18-year-old to handle. The point is, as some of you are going through the same college process, be courteous to your classmates around you.

We are all going through something similar but others may be dealing with a little more or nervous so be kind and understanding.

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