First of all, sorry. This one is going to be heavy.
I think there is a large misconception of me, especially in the eyes of my former classmates and in the eyes of my family. I sound confident, but I constantly mull over my words. I act confident, but little do they know I could rival Meryl Streep. I look confident, but I am dying inside because I think my hair is sitting too flat on my head and my shirt is hugging my stomach too tightly. No one knows just how much I have messed everything up.
Some may say self-hatred is the presence of the ghosts of our past. I say I hate in the "now." I realize that sounds hopeless and self-deprecating. And it is, no doubt. But, it's going to take a lot more than telling me to look on the bright side and smile to get me to be in a better mood. I am pounded by reality daily and I feel like I have a huge boulder on my shoulders at all times without feeling the relief of putting it down or adjusting it to be more comfortable.
Now, I used to try to live by the philosophy that I didn't need to love myself because others loved me and I loved others. If I have God, my family, and my friends there, why would I need to love me? As long as I kept pouring my love into them, I would at least be partially satisfied with myself. The key word here is "partially." Something was still missing, even when I would see how much I could help improve the lives of others, which is honestly my dream, anyway. I saw smiles in their eyes and appreciation in their hearts, which made me happy, but I still felt tears in my eyes and thorns in my heart. I thought it would be enough.
I have so much love to give, but I hardly keep any for myself.
I know that saying I hate myself is a pretty hefty sentence to bear, but it's hard to break it down. It's mostly about the decisions I make and the thoughts that tear me down. While there are a lot of negative things I think of myself, there is one thing that may hurt me more than anything else: my own stupidity. Now, let me clarify, I am not stupid. I am a quick thinker and my mind is my weapon. However, when you pair someone who has so much to think about and so many decisions to make with a lack of motivation, you get an absolute mess. As someone who guiltily still does not know how to study as an upcoming sophomore in college, I am dancing with mental and academic death on the daily.
The thing about it, though, is I know how upset I will be if something doesn't go how I planned, but I cannot express how much of a battle it is for me to do it. I know I'm my own worst enemy. I know there are things I can fix and change for the better. I know that I am blessed to live a life where I have others who care for me. I know I there are things I hate that I will live with on my chest for years to come.
I know it will be hard for me to stop beating myself up over every move I make.
I have tried to love myself and I know there are reasons I should. Don't get me wrong, there have been times I felt on top of the world. I have felt the adrenaline pumping through my veins and I have felt hearty laughter on a breezy summer day. I know the sweet taste of victory and I know the heart racing sensation of being loved. I just wish it all didn't have to be so short lived. I'm trying to love myself, but it is an uphill battle. I have so many demons, but one day I'm going to be the epitome of overflowing self-appreciation and love. If I don't get there, no one will be able to say I didn't try.