I remember thinking that you were the one for me (crazy, I know). I recall having that uncontrollable giddy feeling that girls get when they go on their first date or the feeling when their crush finally texts them. The childlike, never-been-hurt-before feeling. I remember thinking to myself, “I’ll end up with him, eventually,” so many times that it became an instant thought every time I saw you. I remember the goosebumps I got every time you touched my hand or wrapped your arms around me. I remember staying up at night questioning if you were thinking about me like I was thinking about you and reliving the cheesy quote “It all comes down to the last person you think about at night. That’s where your heart is.”
I had memorized your actions -- how you liked your coffee, how you sipped your drinks, how you walked, talked, laughed, how you pet my dogs or awkwardly touched my cats because you had never grown up with them before. So, naturally, I noticed the little things that you did. I noticed your change in behavior. How you didn’t tell me goodbye when you left my house or you stopped randomly holding my hand. I noticed when your attention diverted elsewhere, most of the time to your phone, always making me question who you were talking to. If you were talking to her. I noticed how you unconsciously hurt me.
It’s a wonderful feeling when your heart is finally let go by the person who abused it the most. You’d think you would hurt more than you actually do, but instead, you feel relief. You feel a weight off your shoulders because finally, you can move on from whatever this is. You can allow yourself to open up to other people. And, in my case, I finally realized that maybe, after all, I didn’t feel for this person as much as I thought I did. I wasn’t vulnerable like I was afraid I was becoming. I had this idea of what could have been but sometimes that doesn’t work out like you want. A beautiful “almost” we were. How magical our love story could have been and how tragic it had to come to an end.
But life is filled with “almosts.” You “almost” made the grade. You “almost” scored the goal. You “almost” got the girl or guy. The “almosts” are there to remind us that they weren’t meant to happen. They weren’t meant to occur and change the events. The “almosts” are teases from God to show you that your life could have been that but it was meant to be this and how grateful you should be!
We had an “almost,” and for the longest time, I was set on you. I had pushed all possible feelings for somebody else out of the way for you. I was listening to that god-awful elevator music for far too long while I was on hold for you to figure out what you wanted. I’m thankful, though, that our “almost” came to an end. I got a taste of what I thought I wanted and what I thought was best for me and that was enough. That was enough to show me that our “almost” wasn’t in my best interest.
Once again, God took the situation out of my hands. He reiterated to me that I cannot rush life; sneak peeks aren’t offered in His eyes. Every day is a blessing and everything that happens within that day has been neatly placed there by God’s hands. His intricate plan for my life is one that I will never fully understand, but it is one that I will appreciate and trust. Despite the pain that sometimes accompanies His plan for me, I know that without a doubt, I am being molded into the woman He wants me to be. His “almosts” are blessings in disguise; divine intervention, some may say and what a beautiful gift that is.
