I've seen so many crappy advertisements about how people make life-long friends during all-inclusive stays, but I struggled to see the likeliness of that as I glanced around. A creepy Slenderman-esque creature was getting dragged away from a group of children, a rich man from Dubai was outrightly taking photographs of teens in their swimming costumes, and a member of staff glared at me from the restaurant as I'd earlier mentioned my boyfriend and he had gone mental.
The first woman we met upon arrival was caught shrieking at a waiter for taking her (empty) glass back to the kitchen, before telling another member of staff in hushed expletives exactly what he should do with his "quiz night." As a kid falls in a tantrum and starts bawling at everyone walking past and Heart FM starts roaring across the country on the speaker beside me, I realise that instead of a relaxing holiday, I may have just entered Hell.
THERE WAS NO AUTHENTIC SIGHT OF ANYTHING
Yes, I knew that when I signed up to an all-inclusive three-meal buffet, I most likely wasn't going to glimpse gözleme or dolmah at the tables, but the same three-day-old Russian food each evening was unnecessary. When you stay all-inclusive, you get the chance to witness absolutely zero of the culture or local life of the country, and might as well say that you stayed in a slightly warmer version of your hometown, but with the fun addition of two extra water slides. What is the appeal in travelling to a country without seeing more than just glimpses of the country on the transfer to the villa? I stayed in a resort in Turkey, and upon arriving home was asked "what did you think of Kemer, or Antalya?" Imagine how absolutely shite it would be to answer "I wouldn't know, I stayed all-inclusive so didn't see a single point in leaving the resort."
DAY TRIPS ARE TOURIST TRAPS
Oh really, you left the resort? That will be three times the price of what the trip actually costs, but with the added bonus of an artificial culture trip surrounded by flaking Brits and a wide assortment of pizza and orange soda. Prepare to be surrounded by hundreds of tourists all with the same idea of leaving the resort (despite the fact that they love it soo muuuch), only to be woefully disappointed as you're faced with absolutely nothing pure about it. Taking the boat to an abandoned ruin like I did? Get yourself hyped to have to shove through a whole hoard of other travellers, only to stop and be greeted by an old man with rotting teeth offering his trained rabbits to tell your fortune - and oh, by the way, now you've stopped it will cost you 45 lira for the pleasure. Each.
https://wandering-everywhere.com/
ENTITLEMENT IS RIFE
My absolute favourite thing about travelling all-inclusive was the fact that so many people were insanely rude and entitled. From the woman I mentioned earlier who was yelling at the waiter, to the lady in front of us in the ice-cream queue absolutely screeching at the man behind the counter to "UNDERSTAND ENGLISH, IT IS NOT THAT BLOODY DIFFICULT!" I can't say that I have been entirely won-over by the people we met. Whilst there were some absolute sweethearts, I have never been in such a condensed amount of space with so much rudeness and just overall god-awful people. Also, talking about guests, I completely understand why all-inclusive is branded as "perfect for families" - anyone else would have to fight back the urge to give a little poolside push to the kid that punches them or starts purposefully breaking everything for the 999th time.
ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING IS A CRINGE-FEST
Oh cool, the resort does entertainment? Prepare for Barbie Girl to be played a million times, with shirtless drunken dads pulling down the microphone to sing into it. Or wow, they do traditional Turkish hammams? Get ready for a questionable work ethic as every aspect is made to cater to the Yelp Critics - you get a traditional towel! And traditional foot massage! And traditional (not at all tourist-orientated) music, and surroundings, and drinks!
I'm going to put this out there first, fair-do's if you're a travelling family, an Instagram sunworshipper, or an utter pisshead - all-inclusive is perfect for you! However, if you are literally anyone else in the world, please tell me what the hell you see in it?
I honestly admire people who can spend two weeks by a poolside with nothing to entertain themselves other than children's magicians and free shots dished out by a lad from Bolton bragging about his latest 25k Rolex robbery, but I personally couldn't do it. Somehow, the French kids' discos and Dubai peeping tom didn't quite sell it for me.
